www.ao27.com

Rug Burns: Vigilante Cop [OFFICIAL TRAILER]

2012-01-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

Big thanks to everyone who helped out...

The song played in the car at the 3-minute mark is by Belleville's own Grime Kings. Check out their music here.

More 'Rug Burns' to come in the near future, possibly.

-J

P.S. - For the blokes who like film grain, here's a version just for y'all: http://youtu.be/KurzzUygl8g

The Best Hip Hop Producers of All Time

2012-01-23T06:55:00.004-05:00

I remember about a year ago I was milling around the radio station when I noticed some kids recording some of their raps in one of the studios. I started talking to a couple of the guys, asking them who's beats they were using, and when they planned to release their mixtape. They seemed to have it all figured out, and claimed to be huge hip hop fans.

Now I'm not a die-hard when it comes to hip hop.

But, I probably spin rap records as often as any other genre, so sufficed to say, I can get down from time to time...if need be.

I started asking them if they thought about using Pete Rock beats, DJ Premier...all the greats in hip hop...and all I got in return was blank stares.

They hadn't heard of anybody.

Here these young guys were, maybe 16-17, using shit like Swizz Beats and Timbaland...what can I say...I wasn't surprised. Hip-hop is like most art-forms...the guys who are the best at it often go over-looked, or at the very least are under-appreciated by the masses.

Well I'm here to change that...sort of.

Here are the Best Hip Hop Producers of All Time (to date, duh)...in no particular order:

Jay Dee AKA J Dilla AKA James Dewitt Yancey
DJ Premier
Pete Rock
Large Professor
Lord Finesse
Damu the Fudgemunk
Prince Paul
Oddissee
OEM
Eric B
Dr Dre
9th Wonder
Jorun Bombay

If you haven't heard of some of these guys (or all of these guys)...you should first check your head...and then go check them out.

You're welcome.

-J

Remi Royale does 'The Price is Right'

2012-01-11T03:32:00.001-05:00

Here's a little piece I threw together last week...

Remi Royale does 'The Price is Right' from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

Originally shot the interview footage back in late September.

Here's the link to Josh's entire appearance on Bob Barker's Price is Right: http://blip.tv/necroburger/josh-grace-wins-the-price-is-right-272680

-J

The Free Will Complex

2011-12-19T07:43:00.013-05:00

People around this time of the year like to make grandiose announcements. New Year's resolutions are often used to announce to the rest of the world the ways in which we will change...

I also happen to know quite a few people who like to proclaim, "The beginning of the rest of my life starts now"...or, "This is a brand new me"...or any number of other retarded cliches.

Hubris, man. Hubris.
________________

The Philosophy

The belief one has that they can be totally unlike themselves, is not only logically flawed, but also the result of a big ego, and an inflated sense of self-importance.

Change is one of the most difficult, if not impossible, things to accomplish. Especially when you don't believe in free will.

Most (I hesitate to say all, as I have not read ALL of anything), but MOST current research in neuroscience indicates that free will does not exist. Free will is a philosophical or theoretical concept, and one that is not rooted in any physical reality. If you were to split open a person's head and search around, you would not locate the 'free will' lobe. The concept of free will is pretty well synonymous with the soul. It's a nice thought, but it's not real.

Future behaviour is not determined by one's 'free will', or 'choices', but rather from the interaction between one's past experiences and one's genes.

We are not acting out on the world. But rather, we are in a constant state of reacting to it.

The two can be easily mixed up, especially when most of our social and political ideologies in North America are centered around so-called 'freedom'.

Free will is a defense mechanism. The same as meaning in life, or the belief that 'God has a plan for me'. Not to say that belief in any of these things is unhealthy...defense mechanisms are exactly that...they are meant to protect the self and the ego, to keep oneself happy, or at least at peace.

The belief that one can change, or even more plainly, that one has control, is absurd. I don't know a single person who controlled their arrival on earth. Heck, nobody knows how they individually came to exist (why am I me and not you, and why are you not your own cousin, twice removed, and so forth), and yet people have no problem believing that they control everything from that point forward?

We each live separate, unique, individual lives, none of which can be accounted for, so it would be hard to argue that the motive or impetus or directional movement from that point on could be so easily narrowed down to mere freedom in choice. Certainly no one (outside of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ) chose to come to earth, so how could anyone choose anything beyond that?
_________________________

The Science

If one has no control during the initial stages of life (being completely dependent on others for support and survival), how can it ever be truly said that one has ever been 'free'?

The child that is placed in a cardboard box with only food and water ends up being severally emotionally and intellectually retarded. Shoot, why use a hypothetical example? Check out the story of 'Genie' here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genie_%28feral_child%29

Why doesn't Genie just choose to be normal? Heck, we believe in free will, don't we? She ought to be able to do it.

For that matter, why don't we all just choose to be unlike ourselves? Why aren't you a rodeo clown, and why am I not 5-time weight lifting champ? Where there's a will, there's a way. Only there is no (free) will, and therefore no way.

I was raised on french, and eventually learned english...why didn't I speak cantonese from birth? If it's all up to my choosing, why don't I just know everything now?

What about if I wanted to learn a new language today?

Interestingly, it would take me far longer to learn a new language than a 4-year old, and yet I have all the wisdom and experiences of a 23-year old. Synaptic pruning shows that the older we become, the less we are capable of learning new things, and therefore, less capable of change. The same reason Michael Jordan couldn't hit a baseball, is the same reason none of us have free will. Because life ain't that romantic. It's cold and harsh (or warm and liberating...depending on how you look at it).

The older we become, the more like ourselves we become, and the less capable we are of changing (I'm speaking from a purely neurological, physiological standpoint). It's the same reason adults and old people are far more closed off to new ideas than a child ever would be (which incidentally is the same reason that 99% of adults are the exact same, never change, and are boring as fuck to talk to).

That is not to say that change is not possible, but merely that it has nothing to do with choice (see Reasoning vs Free Will).

I'm sure every addict would choose not to be addicted if it were that easy, but again it is not (although that moron Gene Heyman would have you believe differently).

The same way none of us can merely will our bodies into changing or morphing with a thought or belief, the brain is not capable of simply becoming different just because it wishes to do so. Just like the body, the brain has very real physical limitations. If the mind is a product of the physical brain, and every 'free choice' is performed by the brain, then the brain becomes the ultimate deciding factor as to whether or not change, or choice for that matter, can occur.

There is no choice that can be freely made without the knowledge and experience that has come before it.
____________________

Reasoning vs Free Will

The ability to reason is oftentimes confused with the ability to freely choose.

A child has difficulty reasoning, and will make many mistakes as it learns to reason (as its frontal cortex continues to develop). The fact that people are capable of making better choices as they age (primarily due to their past experiences) does not mean that these choices are "free" in any way, shape, or form. These choices are based upon the neural circuitry that has been laid down throughout our entire lives, and has been dictated by our genes.

Too many things in our society are forgiven for being simple 'accidents' or 'bad decisions'. If you believe in 'free will', you cannot believe that anything is an accident, because everything would thereby be a choice. In that sense, the world is very black and white. Either we're all completely in control, at all times, making choices, or we don't make any choices, and it just so happens some of us are better at reasoning than others, better educated than others, or simply dealt better cards to begin with.

I know that what I'm presenting isn't a popular theory. I'm essentially saying we're not free birds flying through the night sky...we're on very certain, clear paths. But I believe that in 100-200 years, this will become the standard, especially as neuropsychology gains more steam.

With that being said, I don't really have a problem with people believing in free will...everybody's gotta believe something...and as I stated earlier, it's a defense mechanism. Believing that one is in control of their own destiny can be incredibly empowering. But just like the belief that one has a personal relationship with god can be incredibly empowering, it can also be incredibly annoying to everyone else around you. The two are just on opposite ends of the same scale. They are both overwhelmingly narcissistic...and narcissistic defense mechanisms typically distort our view of the world as it truly is.

So although believing in free will might bring comfort to some, it is not a belief rooted in any kind of reality. It is an illusion at best, and a delusion at worst.

-ImNotJulien

PS - For those keeping score at home, that means the Free Will Complex might simply be classified as a type of Superiority Complex.

PPS - I realize after a month or so that many more people are landing on this page than I had expected, and finding only the mad ramblings of a realist.

If you're looking for the science behind what I believe is called 'downward' causation of free will, you can check out a book called 'Incognito' by David Eagleman. Your local library ought to have it, and he spells out the neuro-biological argument against free will far more eloquently than I ever could. I only read Eagleman's book after writing this post, so if you're looking for something with far more research, it's a good place to go!

Remi Royale

2011-12-15T06:30:00.003-05:00

Remi Royale performs the first and last Sunday of every month at the Manx Pub in Ottawa, ON.

Remi Royale from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

There's a good half dozen things I would change about this piece, but I guess I'll just have to chalk it up to experience. Big thanks to everyone who helped out on the project, to those who donated their time, and to those who offered their opinions. Thank you all from the bottom of my blackened heart.

For those of you wondering what the song is that's playing during the intro, it's called 'from stern to bow', it's by a band called Mouth, and you can download it here (along with a bunch of their other music...FOR FREE...MERRY CHANUKAH YA'LL).

Also, if you want to see what Remi Royale is up to, check out http://necroburger.com/ for show listings and more videos!

-JS

CFS Ramore

2011-11-30T18:37:00.003-05:00

Recently went up North to help out with a colleague's project...here's some of the raw footage I shot of this abandoned radar/air force base outside the town of Ramore, ON:

-ImNotJulien

yao-wenkui

2011-11-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

from our day in the market

yao wenkui from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

footage shot by chris/alex/andrew

editing by me

music by my sister

-js

smiley

2011-10-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

here's another class project

i showed up late to the shoot, and all i was really responsible for was getting the guy to sign a release form

the raw footage was all bleached out...i'm guessing the white balance wasn't set properly

compiled from about 4 minutes of footage.

enjoy...?

smiley from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

-js

Things I Truly Learned from My First Serious Relationship (and Borderline Personality Disorder)

2011-10-14T11:49:00.022-04:00

Where to begin...

A few months ago I wrote a little piece, in which I talked about the things I had learned from my first real personal relationship.

I suppose you could call this part 2.

Things I Truly Learned from My First Serious Relationship

I spent a great deal of this past summer reflecting upon the five years that preceded it. I really didn't have to, but I felt it was important. Rather than get a job, or go traveling, or find something to distract myself with, I fuckin' sat around and contemplated.

I guess it all started back in December of 2010. My girlfriend and I had spent our first 3 and half years in Ottawa, together in a shitty apartment: When it rained outside, it would literally rain inside. Anytime there was a major thunderstorm, I'd trot out the pots and pans, newspaper and towels, and shut off any electrical outlets near the walls. We had ants. Seventeen stories up. Ants. Open a window and you'd be flooded with 16 stories of cigarette smoke. The summers were incredibly hot, and on the 18th floor of our building, sat a ticking time bomb in the form a swimming pool...our kitchen was located directly underneath the men's shower and washroom.

Every 2-3 months, for a period of 3 years, water and semen would drip through our ceiling tiles, flooding our kitchen.

I don't know if there was actual cum, I'm only assuming that's what the showers were for.

One weekend during our final year there, I was all on my own and the entire hot tub started emptying into our kitchen, directly above the fuse box. Of course, it being Sunday, management told me they didn't have any staff that could address my issue. I'd have to wait quietly in my hellhole, waiting for an electrical fire to engulf everything I had worked so hard to obtain, then call back on Monday.

I called my parents...I spoke with my father, a lawyer by trade...he advised me to phone up the fire department...

I had heard that the building's superintendent lived somewhere on the fifth floor. Not knowing which unit he lived in, I decided to knock on every door, from 501 to 520. After knocking on half a dozen doors, a middle-aged man finally opened his door. I told him I had heard that the super lived on this floor...the man confessed that this was true, but that the super I remembered had since retired and moved out. I thought I was out of luck.

As I dragged my ass into the elevator, I happened to notice our building's janitor. I begged and pleaded with the guy for 10 minutes..."Please unlock the door to the swimming area so I can stop my apartment from catching on fire..."

Eventually he agreed, although he continually claimed that the problem couldn't be fixed.

I spent the next 3 hours on my hands and knees in the hot tub's 2 and half feet tall boiler room, mop and bucket in hand.

There was another night not too long after, during which I would spent 30 minutes writing an essay, then 10 minutes emptying buckets of water in my kitchen. This went on until 6AM.

So the place was a shit hole...but the rent was cheap, the view was great, and the location made it easy for both of us to attend our respective schools. We still searched for other apartments, but everything was either too expensive, too inconvenient, or was in worse condition than what we already lived in. At one point we had seriously considered moving in to a basement apartment with a clearance of 6'. I'm 6'5".

On my end, I've always been the hopeless romantic optimist. Every time they told me they had finally fixed the problem, I was skeptical, but willing to take their word for it. After all, I don't make a habit of lying to people, and would expect people to treat me with the same courtesy.

My girlfriend, however, was at her wits end.

During one of the aforementioned events, she stormed down to the manager's office and went ballistic on the guy. I had asked her to kindly deliver the letter drafted by my father, indicating we would be pursuing legal action should the problem not be rectified. I guess she decided to take it a step further. From what I've been told, f-bombs were dropped by every party involved, and the manager told her to like it or lump it, because now, he had no intention on even attempting to fix the problem.

So now we were in hostile territories. We both knew we'd have to move out of the place ASAP or get used to not having a kitchen. It was already late November, and our hope was to find a vacant place for January 1st.

All of these wonderful events were taking place during my 4th year of university. I was in the middle of cramming for exams, and drafting my 30-page thesis. Good times.
_____________________________

I spent late November and early December going from class to viewing apartments.

Finally on December 2nd, we found the place. We went home and agreed that this place would be a fantastic upgrade. It was located in the Glebe, within walking distance of her job, and the price was the same as what we were already paying.

After class on December 3rd, I biked over to the landlord's house and signed the lease, as my girlfriend was unable to get the day off work. We began packing that night.

Two days later, she informed me that after a long period of deliberation, she had decided she would be leaving me in four months.

I never knew that was how breakups happened.

__________________________________

Throughout our 5 year relationship, both of us had expressed how difficult we were finding it to continue the relationship. My girlfriend suffered from mild borderline personality disorder. For a long time I thought her dark phases were because of hormones...and even though I was in the midst of completing a BA in Honours Psychology, I really knew nothing of BPD. It would end up being one of her therapists who would broach the subject with her.
__________________________________

Thinking back, I don't know that we ever had one rational fight (although some might argue no fights are ever rational). My girlfriend would often get angry at me for leaving an unwashed cup out, or forgetting to throw in a piece of linen in with the wash. And it wasn't just being angry or upset. It would be days of silent treatment, where she would refuse to acknowledge the source of her frustration.

There were many times when I would wake up next to this angry stranger. I would spend the first two hours of that day asking "What's the matter? Is it something I did?", attempting to coax something out of her. Eventually, hours later, sometimes days later, she would say to me "You kissed another girl in my dream, and when I woke up, I couldn't stop looking at you and hating everything about you."

In her light phases, she was extremely loving, caring, and hard working. In fact, she was someone I deeply admired. She managed to pay off her entire college tuition without anyone's help. My family loved her too. They knew her as this incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and good person. They loved her so much that when they found out that she couldn't find work in the small town she lived in, they opened up their home to her. She lived with us in Toronto for about 6 months, and she was eternally gracious and thankful. My family never knew her as anything but that.

Meanwhile, I had known her as a much more troubled person. She had spent most of her high school years in a haze of drugs and depression. She was skipping so many classes that she was in danger of dropping out altogether.

Somehow, through some sort of incredible maturation, she was able to reverse this course of action in Grade 12. She stopped doing drugs, and nearly made the honour roll that year. Her grades would also be good enough to get into any college of choice, so that in a year's time when she had saved up enough money, she could further her education.

That was her in her good phases.
__________________________________

People with borderline personality disorder typically experience extreme emotions and act out in erratic ways. When they're good, they're oh-so-good. And when they're bad, they're as bad as can be.

Although I knew nothing of BPD for the first 3 years of my relationship with her, I knew something wasn't quite right. She had a way of making me feel really, really unloved at times. But again, this was also offset by her ability to make people feel incredibly cherished.

About a year into our relationship, I sent her an email saying I was breaking up with her. I couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster. I was tapped out.

Five hours after sending the email, she showed up on my doorstep. She took a two and half hour bus ride into town, then another hour by subway and bus.

My mom greeted her at the front door, "What a pleasant surprise!"

I was in the basement laying down a hardwood floor. My mom walked downstairs and said "Isn't this nice, _______ showed up unexpectedly! What a nice thing to do!"

I oftentimes think back to that day and how much it changed the course of my life. But then again, every day thereafter was an opportunity to cut and run too...and I never did. I had a bleeding heart, and the caretaker in me wanted to see this person succeed and do well in life. Maybe I am or was a martyr too. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

I smiled at my mom, and I smiled at my up-until-five-hours-ago-girlfriend. I said "It's nice to see you again," not feeling nearly brave enough to tell my mom what was happening.

After all, she knew nothing of the Jekyll-Hyde nature of our relationship.

__________________________________

I have often heard of people suffering from BPD as being referred to as "a bright light trapped in a dark room." This was her in a nutshell. A person capable of such incredibly good things, and yet by that same token, one of those most ruthless, selfish, passive-aggressive, and childish people I have ever known. She would lock herself in the bathroom, pull at her hair, express her wishes to lie in a black pit forever...she once slept on the floor of our bedroom closet as a way to punish me (?) and herself (?).

Once we got into some stupid argument which I'm sure was about oven mitts being left out, or about a pair of shoes not being placed on the rack and we argued for a half hour, until she realized she was late for work. She had just started working a new job at a place she really seemed to love. The staff and management were super cool, there were lots of perks, and the hours weren't nearly as taxing as her last job. It was a good thing in her life.

She left in a huff, and returned later that night at roughly the same time as always. But tonight she seemed visibly shaken. I figured she was still upset about the placemats or whatever fucking dumb thing we had been arguing about. She revealed to me that she hadn't gone to work that day.

Instead of grabbing the bus to work, she walked all the way up the Ottawa river with clenched fists, tears streaming down her face, cursing the day she'd ever met me. She'd been walking all day, rarely stopping to take a break. She took an eight hour walk.

When I asked her why she decided not to go into work, she said "I was so angry I didn't even think about it. I was supposed to turn right to go to the bus stop, but I just turned left. I turned left."

It was this kind of irrational behaviour which I was exposed to on about a bi-weekly basis. I became so used to it that I could almost predict when the next altercation would be. I guess that's why I partly assumed it was hormonally related. I knew that if 10 days, or 14 days went by, it was only a matter of time before something would set her off.

And more often than not, it was up to me to pick up the pieces. She'd go about sabotaging her life, only to turn around and say to me "What should I do now?"

I hated that stuff. I had a hard enough time between going to university (which I hated) and working office jobs (which I hated) and now I was in charge of fixing somebody else's fuck ups, when I could barely keep up with my own fuck ups.

Oftentimes I wouldn't deal with it in a good way. I would get angry. Even if I knew she was baiting me into it, I'd fall right into the trap. There's nothing a person with BPD likes more than attention, especially when they're acting out, and for a good 3 years I played right into it. I'd call her "crazy", which (obviously) only set her off more. Her BPD (like many others' BPD) was fueled by a deep and seemingly endless source of anger. In the words of Billy Congreve, "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

Eventually I became emotionally exhausted. I couldn't handle the fights anymore...not with someone I loved so much. Not only was it taxing me emotionally, intellectually I couldn't make any sense of why she acted out. At this point in my life, I was still in the dark about BPD.

I begged and pleaded with her to get into therapy or counseling. For the next year and half she would bounce from counselor to counselor, to therapist, and so forth. During the summer of 2010, one of her therapists mentioned BPD. She recommended some books to check out, including The Dance of Anger, and Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

I spent the summer working at a kid's sports camp, and fortunately I would get a two hour break every day. I spent my entire summer in the rafters of the hockey arena reading these books. In the end, I think I read more of them than my girlfriend did.

They were really depressing books. Every story I read was one which mimicked my own. Some were even worse! Although there was some relief in knowing that I wasn't the only one living through this insanity, it didn't give me much hope. BPD is a lifelong illness for most, and only those who invest a great deal of time and effort see any success in mediating its effects. The worst part of all was that there was nothing I could do. All the books said the same thing...STEER CLEAR OF PEOPLE WITH BPD IF YOU CAN. Some people aren't so lucky. It is their mothers, fathers, brothers, or sisters who suffer with BPD, and it is difficult to divorce those people out of your life.

But still, here it was in black and white, if you don't need to be with someone with BPD, then avoid it all costs. The message struck a very real chord in my heart. I knew that this would be the only way to save myself...but at the same time, I felt a great deal of guilt...as though I would be abandoning her.

I decided to do nothing. I had not told anyone in my life about what I had been dealing with, and at the same time, I had this pathetic optimism that her seeing a therapist once a week would somehow translate into a real change.

The only positive role I could play in our relationship was a silent one. If she baited me, I'd have to bite my tongue. I started giving myself timeouts. If she picked a fight, I would put myself on time out, and not allow myself to speak for 2-3 hours at a time. It was incredibly difficult. I sometimes couldn't help myself, as I have my own anger. What always surprised me however, was how much greater her anger was. I could put myself on timeout until 5PM, and at 5:01PM start talking to her about something completely different, and she'd still be fuming over the smallest thing.

__________________________________

I have often wondered why or how I got into the relationship in the first place. I guess as a young boy of 16, at first it was desperation. I was attending an all boys high school in downtown Toronto, and being 6-foot something, weighing 130 pounds, and being terrified of the opposite sex is no way to go through your teens years.

It all lead me to get pretty depressed during those four years. I imagine I wasn't the only depressed teenager. Most of my friends turned to drugs or alcohol, but I had no interest in that stuff. I smoked weed with some friends a couple times, but realized it wasn't making me happier, only more despondent.

I think that in the back of my head I had a real concern that I would never even kiss a girl my whole life (and for some reason, that was real important to me, haha). I was already 16 and hadn't lucked into that yet, and now I was completely sequestered from the female sex, and I was not (and still am not) a terribly sociable guy. Our highschool would put on dances, for which they would invite all the other girls-only highschools in the area. I never went. I'm not one much for dancing or pretending I'm cool. Plus, having low self-esteem typically hinders a person from trying out new things...and at this point in my life, I was pretty much terrified of everything and everyone.

So mixing desperation, depression, and neediness will do a number on your ability to make good judgments. Especially when you're finally getting attention from a lady. So I guess that's what made it easy for me to "fall in love", if you want to call it that. I realize now that our relationship was built on a bunch of bad things. It couldn't have been a great thing if the reason I was getting into a relationship with someone was because my life sucked.

Also, not having any other relationships to compare this one to (beyond the one I saw between my mother and father) I had no clue if what I was experiencing was the norm.

I'm also a pretty forgiving guy, and as far as I was concerned, every day was a new day. I knew that in my own life I had goofed up so many times, and my parents had been very forgiving, and forever loving of me, so for better or worse, this was how I treated the people who were close to me.

And again, at the same time, my ex-girlfriend was capable of being an amazingly good person. More so than normal people. Her highs were incredibly high, and her lows were incredibly low. It was easy to get addicted to the highs, because when she felt like it, she could make you feel like a million bucks. And to this day, I still think that person exists somewhere inside her. It's just been buried under a bunch of other stuff.

For those reasons, it's taken me a long time to get bad relationships out of my life. Some of the books on BPD explained that people who live through this kind of stuff often take much longer to untangle themselves from it...so as lame as it might sound, it's been a tough journey for me. All the years of not being able to tell anyone also took a toll on me. On one hand I was embarrassed that this was happening to me, on the other hand I felt the need to protect this person from being judged too harshly.

____________________________

I can't say I was terribly surprised when she finally told me she was breaking up with me. I believe due to the enormous stress of living in a place that was falling apart, on top of now packing our entire lives into boxes over the holiday season, made it much easier to snap at each other. We had some big bad fights...some of the worst.

So even though I wasn't surprised, it still stung quite a bit. It completely took the wind out of my sails...I had just signed a new lease two days earlier for a place we'd be sharing and had actually been looking forward to.

The part which probably stung the most was that it seemed so calculated. Clearly she had spent much time thinking about it (she told me she'd been talking to her therapist about it)...and now she was even giving me a 4 month Estimated Time of Departure. It was fucked up. Why were we moving in together into a new place? Was I supposed to go find another place? And if she wanted to go, why wasn't she doing so?

She told me she was essentially doing me a favour. She knew I was almost done university, and didn't want to be a disturbance...her passive aggression knew no bounds. How was this not disturbing? I was in the middle of exams, I was in the middle of packing (which is already unpleasant when you don't have all this extraneous shit going on), and I was even sacrificing time away from my family to make sure the move could happen. I would be home for all 3 days over the holiday season. On top of that, her family was coming up lame big time. For whatever reason, they had no interest in helping her move, so I asked my 58 year old father (still as strong as an ox) to take a 5-hour drive, rent the truck on our behalf (Enterprise requires you to be 25 or older, which I'm not), and stay with us from Boxing Day until New Year's Day and help us move. This was an incredibly difficult thing to do. I felt so much shame in asking for help, while at the same time, I was fearful of discussing anything with my family.

I spent a day or two trying to get her to reconsider, but you lose steam pretty fast when you realize that person doesn't much care for, or like you, anymore. On top of it all, part of me felt it was just the stress talking. She would realize how much more fun life would be in this new neighbourhood. Our new apartment was beautiful, and now she could walk to work (whereas before she had to take two buses).

To all this she merely replied: "This is mutual decision we're both making together."

In my corner, I was thinking, how the fuck is this mutual? What kind of person gives a guy a 4 months heads up that they'll be leaving? I would never decide to put myself through that kind of hell. I would think if you wanted to go, you should go, and if you wanted to stay, you'd stay. You wouldn't tell your significant other, "Oh hey, I don't care for you much, but I'll be using the accommodations for the next 4 months...maybe I'll bump into you in the weight room...or you know, everywhere."

At Christmas dinner everyone was thrilled on my behalf that I'd finally be moving into a new place...meanwhile I felt like shit about the whole thing. I was asking for favours from people left, right, and center, all for what I considered to be a fucking sham. It was hell. I still don't know why I never told anyone.

I guess as far as I could see, I was already fucked. I had already signed the lease, and I wasn't about to find a sublet, while I then go try and secure a second new place. I was also under such stress from university that I really only wanted to focus on that. I didn't want people advising me on what to do with my life, although in retrospect, it might have helped. (A few months later my little sister would visit us in her our new apartment, while we played the phony happy couple...my little sister asked me "What do you guys plan on doing this summer? Julien, you're gonna be finishing school..." and so I responded "I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I think ______ wants to go to Yukon, and eventually move to Paris to further her career...so we might be living separately." A few minutes later my ex-girlfriend would pull me aside and gave me shit for almost blowing her cover. She really didn't want other people to know we were no longer together. I don't know if it's that she felt guilty, or didn't want people to persuade her to change her mind, or that she simply did not want to be judged. In any case, I kept mum on the subject until Easter, as it wasn't something I particularly liked to talk about either.)

After the move, I could tell shit was really hitting the fan when I actually wanted to focus on school. I hated university, and now university was all I wanted to think about. I didn't want to fuck it up and have to spend another year, or six months, toiling away reading article reviews and pretending like I was learning something. I wanted to be done with this nightmare chapter in my life.

In the meantime, there couldn't have been anything more distracting than what was happening in my relationship. Out of respect, or perhaps apathy, I started changing my sleep schedules drastically. I had always liked to work late at night...but I used to consider late at night 2AM. Now I was staying up until 7-8AM every day to do homework, while my ex slept in the bed. I went from being a night owl to being a goddamn...night bird that stays up later than a night owl? As soon as she'd get up to go to work, I would to go to sleep until my afternoon or evening classes. When I couldn't wait for her to get up, I'd sleep on the couch.

We barely saw one another, and it was a painful way to see a relationship die. I sometimes think it would have been much less painful had it been cut and dry. But having this 4 month incubation period where I still lived with a person I loved, while they pretty well showed indifference and resentment, was really tough.

I tried to distract myself from my homelife as much as possible by focusing on school, eventually scoring a 97% on my fourth year honours thesis. Yes, I'm bragging, but I'm also noting this because I haven't had such a high mark since grade 7. I really don't care about marks. I got honour roll in 8th and 9th grade, and then with depression, my report card really took a hit. I was getting 60s in a bunch of classes. In my four years at university, I spanned the spectrum from Ds to As...but I never scored such a high mark than in that class. I really poured my heart and soul into that dumb fucking paper.

I also started watching way more TV and playing way more video games. I just didn't want to think about how shit I felt.

The thing I had worked on the hardest up until then was my relationship. I spent 5 years trying to make that thing work, and here it was suffering this slow death. In my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about how it was a quarter of my life I had spent with someone. I hesitate to say it was wasted, but it sure felt that way for some time.

__________________________________

School finally wrapped up around Easter time, and so then I felt ready to take on everybody's opinions about my life. I told my family when I visited for the holidays, and I told my friends as well. There was genuine shock back home as they had known my ex as this incredible sweetheart. It's funny, but still to this day, I think my mom took it the hardest out of everyone. She really loved her. I haven't spent much time crying about my lost relationship, but I was really sore about the disappointment it caused my mother. She really loved her, and my mom thought I was making some bonehead decision, or that I hadn't tried hard enough to keep her in my life. I think I have probably cried more about that than anything else. If you're anything like me, you hate to disappoint your parents, and still to this day my mom will talk to just about anyone about how great my ex was, and clueless I must have been.

My dad on the other hand gave me solid advice. He's not the type dwell over people's bullshit. You're either with him or against him. I told him I planned on going to Toronto for a period time to allow my ex to move out. It was easy for me, because I really had no desire to watch this person slowly drag their stuff out of my house. I had already been watching the boxes slowly piling up, a surreal and depressing experience to say the least. Now, the last thing I wanted was to be present when her family would come by to pick up her stuff..."Hey I'm Julien, you guys remember, I'm that guy your daughter doesn't much care for! Come right in!"

May 29, sleeping on the couch, the boxes are piling up.

My dad also told me it was a good idea to travel to Toronto, since in those final days building up to the move, my ex might have some second thoughts about moving out at all...I told him I doubted it...especially since her plans had been hatched at least as far back as November 2010. He said that by allowing her the last 4-5 days to herself, she would likely call on her friends to rally by her side, and that they would be supportive of her (by putting me down some more haha). Plus, it was better than standing in the way of progress. After all, this was one change I had been incapable of initiating myself. As much as I would think about it, I could never get myself to abandon this person, who, albeit had great qualities, I also considered to be a scared, angry child.

The last month we spent together was painful. It was May, and I had fuckin' nothing to distract me. School was done, and my college applications were being held up, so I didn't even know if I was planning on staying in Ottawa. We barely spoke, and she started hanging out with an...interesting crowd. Quite frankly I think the people she was hanging out with were dumb as fuckin' bricks. She would come home late, drunk, high...but I guess happy? I really hate to judge how other people live, because I ain't lived in their shoes and I don't know their story. But from what little I talked to some of them, there didn't seem to be much life there...but again, that's my opinion. I'm sure my ex could wax poetic about how much of a squaresville I am, so I guess the point is moot.

I started going out on a lot more walks, and reading more books, as those were the things that made me happy.

On the flip side, for the first time in a few years we were both able to attend the Great Glebe Garage Sale as we now lived in the neighbourhood...and that was the opposite of fun. For one thing, I hate buying stuff. I'm not opposed to spending money, but I just don't much care for stuff. I like to spend money on food or entertainment...so a rummage sale where somebody wants to sell me a lampshade or used a hibachi ain't really my thing to begin with. But now knowing that she was taking roughly half our possessions, every time we passed a table I'd have to ask her, "Will I need a VCR? Do I need a spatula?" It was fuckin' torture.

I think I remember us going on one walk together that wasn't so bad, but truthfully, it's hard to hang out with someone who wants little to do with you. And I was also seeing this person change...but not so much change, as much as they were reverting. For the last four years she had been this quiet, somewhat reserved person, and now she was getting shitfaced and acting like the 16 year old highschooler I had once known. It was jarring.

I really have no idea how I survived those last few weeks. I helped her pack when I could, and even made her a couple corkboards she could hang on the walls when she found a new place. I know there were times where I was definitely annoyed. Back in January, it wasn't such a bad setup. We were sleeping at different times, and had different things going on...we helped each other with chores...it wasn't pleasant, but it was survivable.

Now her hours had been cut down to part-time, and I was trying to figure out whether I'd be going to school, or doing something altogether different. I was applying to radio jobs in the middle of bumfuck Saskatchewan...I really had no clue where I was going to end up. Seeing this person get up and go to sleep every day, I tried to figure out whether I had ever known them.

One of the funnier moments that occurred was when she found out we weren't facebook friends anymore. She actually thought it was really immature of me. Maybe it was. I just didn't understand why were putting up all these false pretenses. She didn't like me, and I'd done enough pretending in the previous four months to last a lifetime.
___________________________

In late May, finally the fateful day arrived. She was leaving for work, and I was leaving for the bus station. I don't remember much of what was said...or even if we hugged. I think we must have hugged, but it was really hot and humid and I hadn't installed the AC units, so maybe that didn't happen.

The only thing I remember saying to her as she stood on the steps was "I love you"...she had tears in her eyes, but did not reciprocate.

I think she said "Good luck with school..." and I replied with "Yep, enjoy your trip, I hope the move goes well, and keep your chin up..."

And then she walked out of my life, for what I thought was, forever.

___________________________

When I got back to Toronto, I was surprised at how even keeled I was about it. It had been a long journey to get to that day, and I wasn't looking to relive through it again by giving a blow-by-blow breakdown to my friends and fmaily.

My dad's solution for everything in life is work. "Oh, you're sad? Work. Oh, back hurts? Work. Oh, out of margarine? Work." So pretty much the day I got home he wanted me to restore and varnish some hardwood doors. I had just spent 20 minutes with him in the driveway talking about how I wanted to take some time off, and regroup, and try to enjoy the little things in life again...and before I could put my bag down he had me making runs to the Scott Mission to drop off old bikes, and picking up supplies at Rona.

I think I bitched and complained about it enough to my mother to get him off my back for the rest of my stay in Toronto...

When it was time to head back to Ottawa, my dad drove me up, and stayed for a couple days. He helped me install the AC units, and I guess kept me company. The very first night he wanted me to prep some dinner, so I cooked some pasta, and thought I was making some Campbell's soup...but it ends up I made "Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Easy Cooking Sauce". We ate it as though it were soup, knowing full well it would be a long summer of learning. My ex had been a great cook. I, on the other hand, apparently had difficulty reading the label.

When my dad finally left, that was when the real gravity of the situation hit me. I was shocked at how many things were gone, and yet at how many things remained. Of course everything reminded me of her. I had contemplated moving into a new place...but both my parents insisted that if I liked the neighbourhood (and the apartment was nice), that I should just bite the bullet.

I didn't love the idea, but I did want to enjoy Ottawa as I had never really been able to in summer's past. I had always been working full time jobs, on top of doing my radio show, and I lived in a shitty neighbourhood/apartment with a girl who suffered with some real issues. When my parents told me they would be unable to help me move to a new place anyway (the had just bought some land and would be building a cottage all summer/fall), I came to accept the idea. On top of it all, they helped me financially make the stay in my current place possible.

It was a really bad idea. Everything was somehow associated to that past life, even though it had only been 4 months, it had been a shitty 4 months spent together. The place felt incredibly empty. And the stuff she left behind, although she thought she was doing it benevolently, ended up making me feel really guilty. A red toaster her mother had bought her had been left behind...but it wasn't my toaster, it was her and her goddamn mom's toaster...and yet I fucking use it every day.

Even though I kept busy taking care of myself, and branching out in new areas, those first weeks were really tough. In retrospect, I wish I too had moved. In the back of my mind I felt like my ex had moved on to bigger and better things, and I was stuck in this tiny apartment with my tiny hopes and dreams. I also felt a tinge of survivor's guilt.

But for what it's worth, it was a lesson learned, and something I'm sure not to repeat anytime soon. I don't know how much longer I'll be in Ottawa, but I do look forward to the day when I can finally close this chapter in my life. And for whatever reason, I don't think that will completely happen until I move out of this place. I have read that it is often recommended for addicts to throw out all their old belongings, because of the negative associations. I guess I should be doing the same thing, but I'm not made out of money...and plus, what was I addicted to? Love? How lame. (Although the sex was great).

In any case, I learned to become more independent this past summer...I got more involved in film, I made more new friends than ever before, I rode my BMX all over town, and I even made stuffed peppers!

What's the cure for a broken heart? A fist full of meat!

The rest of my summer was a lot of fun. It was tough, and at times lonely, but I actually grew to enjoy my solitude. It was good not to be mixed up in somebody else's emotions for once. I always thought I felt alone in highschool, even though I was surrounded by friends and family, but now I was truly alone and it didn't feel nearly half as bad. My oldest sister commented that it can't be that hard to enjoy being alone when you're not working and living in a sweet pad...haha.

But to the contrary, I think it is a tough thing to do, and alone is tough thing to be. I don't have tons of close friends, or a network of people I really keep up with. I'm like a drifter, sans the actual exercise. And it can be tough, but it does put life into perspective. I feel today I have a better understanding of the thing's I want in my life, and also of the things which I enjoy. I'm essentially being given a second chance to recreate my world, or at the very least, colour it differently. So I'm being very careful about it.

Unfortunately at times I still do let my old self get the better of me, but by and large, I've done a good job at weeding out the bad relationships in my life, which is something I would have been afraid of doing some time ago. For whatever reason, I was complacent during my last relationship...I think it was from exhaustion...but these days, I try to be as careful as possible with how I choose to spend my time. And I don't always do it wisely, but I'm more aware of everyday life than ever before.

Those were my sentiments as the summer was coming to a close...

Then I got a ridiculous phone call which sent me back for a loop....

__________________________

My little sister visited me in Ottawa towards the end of August. We hung out and just had a good time in general. My little sister is one of my favourite people on the planet. She's a slightly more upbeat, guarded, cynical, realistic, and selfish version of me. I sometimes wish she had more sympathy for others around her, but by and large, she's got her head screwed on right, and doesn't let life get her down. She visited me at a time when I was really busy. I was still doing my radio show, and I was putting the finishing touches on my first short film script (Rug Burns: Vigilante Cop...watch for it coming to a theatre nowhere near you!). In the middle of this hectic week, while I'm entertaining my sister, hunting down props, and preparing a radio show, I get a phone call from my ex.

I couldn't believe it when I heard the voice. It was that same old voice. That person I'd considered my best friend for 5 years...I nearly had a heart attack. She needed to ask me a favour...she wanted me to impersonate my current landlord so she could get a favourable reference at this place she was looking at in Toronto. She was back to her old ways. Stupid schemes, self-interest, lack of foresight...these were the calling cards of ex-girlfriend. Needless to say I didn't play along. I simply gave her the best advice I could (to contact our current landlord and ask him to be a reference...our landlord was/is the nicest guy ever, he'd easily be up for it...and he was).

I thought it was so bizarre that someone I had heard nothing from in months was back to trying to involve me in something a little seedy. I'm not saying getting a fake reference is the worst thing ever...but why would you ask your ex? I'm not real big on lying to people, and she would know that better than anyone. In fact, on the phone she said "I knew you would say that." Then why would you ask me?

I would later on ask her this question and she responded that all her other friends with a 613 phone number couldn't be trusted. It might have been flattery, but I detected some honesty in her voice. I don't know what that says about a person when all their new friends are people they don't trust, and the moment something serious pops up, they go back to the guy they dumped.

In any case, she would call me back a few minutes later and thank me profusely for the advice, as it worked, and even gave me her Toronto number in case I ever needed a favour.

All this stuff wasn't going down real well with me, but I managed to push it out of my head while I focused on this film I shot in Toronto. We would continue to email back and forth a little bit, mostly small talk (she sent me pictures from her trip, I told her about the program I was enrolled in, etc.).

With Thanksgiving coming up, I asked her if she'd want to hang out. I had to be in Toronto for an extended period of time, and part of me I suppose wanted to know how she was doing. I don't know what my expectations were. I knew I was afraid, but at least confident enough to meet this person again. I couldn't imagine anything good would come of it, but by that same token, I couldn't imagine anything that bad would come of it either.

My hopes were that in the 4 months apart, her life would have taken a dramatic turn for the better. After all, that was the reason she had broken up with me in the first place. She felt she could be enjoying life that much more, and I never wanted to stand in the way of that. If you love somebody, you want to see them either be happy or succeed, or hopefully a combination of both.

__________________________

I have to say it was one of the heaviest afternoons of my life. It was this fantastic dichotomy of everything good and everything bad in my life. The weather over Thanksgiving weekend was beautiful. We got delicious ice cream, walked through gorgeous High Park, and even spotted some swans. It felt natural talking to her to again, but I could feel a real difference, and it was something I noticed as she walked up to say hello...she had this kind of hurried, 'wish I weren't here' kind of walk and attitude about her...

I will say that physically, she looked better than ever. I think she lost some weight, and had a nice haircut, and was now investing heavily in hipster clothing. And she seemed happy. So I guess the story should end here.

But through the little amount of time I spent with her, I realized how much she had changed...or really more, how much she had regressed. She was her old high school self. Every story she told was one of partying and drinking. Every story ended with "I was hungover, I don't really remember", and her rationale for her behaviour (not that I cared to know) was "Hey, that's what young people are supposed to do you know? Like everyone always expected me to be such an adult...but I'm still young!"

I asked her about her parents' wedding reception...she said she didn't remember much of it because she had been at some guy's cottage all weekend drinking. Cool story, bro.

I realized the more we spoke to one another, although we still had some things in common like our love of cinema, that we were really, really, REALLY different people. In fact, throughout our walk she managed 3-4 times to slide in underhanded jabs at me about the clothes I was wearing, or my lifestyle, as though they weren't up to snuff. Now she was hanging out with all these hipster kids who look down at anyone who doesn't dress like them, listen to the same music as them, or behave like them.

She told a story about how she had visited Camp 30, a condemned POW camp, with a bunch of her friends late at night. Out of her entire group of new friends, one girl said she did not want to go, as she was studying in the field of early childhood development, and believed that if they were to get caught and charged with trespassing, it might make getting employment more difficult down the line.

Then my ex commented on how much of a wuss, wimp, and a bitch this girl was, and how they all tried to convince her to do it anyway.

It was sad, my ex had become part of the mob, part of the asshole majority. I kinda think it's brave for that other girl to stand up as an individual against a group of such judgmental people. She's doing what she believes is right, and you're standing there trying to pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do? You've become a fuckin' prick. It's sad.

She mentioned a few other stories and things which only sunk my heart further. I asked her how she gets around town, and she explained she had a bootleg metro pass from a guy she knows who works at the student office for some university, that way she only pays the student rate.

A) She's not a student. B) She has enough money that she's actually willingly unemployed right now C) The adult metropass is an extra $20 D) The TTC is terribly underfunded.

But she's doing it because it's 'cool'. Or it's easy.

But all it really is, is disheartening.

I never thought someone I'd spent so much time talking with, and so much time living alongside, could go back to behaving in such a manner. I was hoping she would leave our relationship with a heightened sense of morality, ethics, and integrity...instead she left with a bunch of money in her wallet and a snotty attitude. It was sad.

The disappointment I felt towards her was one of an almost familial nature. During those five years she had become part of my family...and nobody likes to see a family member lose their way. I wished she could have told me about all the exciting things she had done, and how her career was well on track, and how her disposition towards life was one of love.

Instead, every answer came in the form "I don't really know, I was pretty wasted...but it was cool."

I guess at this point I should point out that she was seemingly happy. She is no longer part of my life, just part of my history, so I really have no place, nor reason, to judge. And I don't wish to judge...only to make sense of my own place in the world.

But the disappointment is still there. At one point in my life, she was somebody I deeply, deeply admired. She had such great work ethic, was such a caring, and empathetic person. And now she's just gone back to her old ways. I shouldn't have been surprised...when she moved back home she got back together with a bunch of her old burnout friends, and even tacked on some more for good measure.

When she left Ottawa, she really severed ties with whoever that person I loved was. She quit her job, left her relationship, left her adoptive hometown, left her therapist...any kind of stability she might have had was thrown to the wind.

I guess her lifestyle is indicative of her attempt to self-medicate, as we all have different ways of doing. For me it's writing about days gone by that soothes the soul. For others, it's drinking, getting high, and seeking a greater sense of belonging with a group of like-minded people.

I felt it was hilarious how we truly were completely different people. If she met me today under a different name and face, she would have nothing to do with me. I am far too uncool, unhip, and too much a loser for her to be seen with, and yet someone that at one point, she didn't mind so much.

It was almost as though we were back in highschool. She was this drugged out kid skipping class and hanging with the 'tough' crowd. And I was this preppy clean cut loner with big dreams and even bigger ideas.

____________________

Some of the disappointment, or maybe I should say most, also comes back to me. Here was someone I loved and cared for so deeply, more than I ever have for anyone else, and after five hard years, to see the other person come out as this blasé, uninterested, and uninteresting character is depressing.

On my bus ride back to Ottawa, I managed to finish Walker Percy's "The Movie-Goer"...some of the stuff towards the end seemed to describe my relationship to a tee:

"More than anything I wanted to pass on to you a certain quality of spirit, a gaiety, a sense of duty, a nobility worn lightly, a sweetness, a gentleness...of goodness and truth and beauty...[It was like] someone in whom you had placed great hopes was suddenly not there...The fact that you are a stranger to me is perhaps my fault."

I was really hoping for so much better, and have no one to blame for that but myself.

And I still do hold out a little hope that one day she may grow into herself. As I said, she is capable of some great admirable things, and I hope that she realizes that, and does not bury that person under a jaded facade. She need not resign herself to mediocrity...none of us really do. Hopefully that warm soul still resides somewhere beneath the layers of trendy clothes and self-defense mechanisms.
____________________________

After a bit of introspection over the last few days, I figure I shouldn't be so down about it. Things happen. People change. People change back. I have known people who have gone through far worse...so I will consider myself lucky if the disappointment in my life is that a 5-year relationship with a girl only lead her back to her old ways. Worse things can and do happen.

And as heavy as the whole experience was, I do hope I learned something from it. One thing I wrote back in the original post was the inability for any person to change another, and I understand that more than ever. I am also learning to value the true integrity of people's character, rather than hoping to change or alter their course.

By that same token, I am also excited at the prospects of the future, that I may bump into people who value the same things as I do...ethics, morality, honesty...not to say that I am the embodiment of those things, because quite the opposite is actually true...but that is why I value these things the most...because they are rare in quantity, and sometimes unknown to me altogether!

Also, if you are someone or know someone who suffers from BPD, check out http://www.bpdfamily.com/ Although I was never aware of the site or the message board until recently, it is a great resource.

Love,

-Julien

Rug Burns: Production Day 4

2011-10-06T01:45:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

Canadian National Exhibition

Our last night of shoot invovled getting more cutaways, filler, and just horsing around on cheap real estate. Monday to Thursday after 5PM at the Ex is only $5 to gain admission...well worth it.

The cool thing about shooting at the CNE is that it's not abnormal for someone to have a camera out, and lighting is great around the midway.

Rug did a little bit of everything.

He shot some pool...

Shot some dirt looks...

Shot some hoops...

You get the point. This was a super fun location to shoot at, my only regret is that I missed the first part of the basketball game Rug got in...nothing funnier than a white guy wearing a fur coat and a wig taking on 4-5 black guys in a pickup game. Had I gotten more footage, we might actually have enough for a Streetball mixtape...ah well!

One other regret was that I didn't get Rug on any of the attractions...would have been funny on the carousel...I guess it will have to wait for "Rug Burns Vigilante Cop 2: Rugged n' Raw"

___________________________

So that's my production blog on my very first fake trailer/quasi-short film. All it took was a little preparation, four days of shooting, and seven or eight friends! (Now it's on to post-production...)

I had tons of fun doing this and want to quickly thank everyone who got invovled: I hope the final product makes it worthwhile, and I'm looking forward to doing this again real soon!

Thanks to Adam Norton for coming up clutch on Saturday morning and for lending us his collection of guns...

Thanks to my Mom for being a kickass PA.

Thanks to my little sister Elise for being along for the ride...she's actually a pretty good DP!

Thanks to all the extras and bad guys: John, Simon, Steve, Adam G., Ara, Tro & Ryan! (I hope I'm not missing anyone...)

Thanks to Patty for becoming 'Rug'. He had mad swagger and improvised some really funny shit during the shoot...I've got 5 sequels planend with your name headlining 'em!

-ImNotJulien

Rug Burns: Production - Day 3

2011-10-05T03:17:00.007-04:00

Monday, August 29h, 2011

Alley Shooting - Julien's House

We spent about an hour shooting cutaways and filler footage.

Rug shootings guns...

Rug getting punched in the face...

The fake blood didn't really work in my last shot where Rug blows a guy to bits using a shotgun...I should have had a bucket of blood ready to dump on Rug...instead that whole part came out kinda goofy. And I forgot to turn on my camera mic for the entire hour. Woops.

The Mob Boss Scene - Pat's Living Room

I was fortunate enough to be able to wrangle three friends into playing mobsters for 10 minutes. We had them sit in Pat's living room, which was the closest thing to the Godfather's office we could get.

We had my pal Ara say gibberish in Armenian for 10 minutes with plans of later adding subtitles in post.

Only part I goofed on is one of the two lights we were using blew out while we were in the middle of shooting...I really should have gotten another one to balance things out...my footage came out grainy as fuck. Fuck.

Hooker Dumpster Scene

After finally finding a quiet alley, we set up for the last shot of the night...don't know if this will make the final cut...what kind of vigilante cop kills a hooker and tosses her into a dumpster...apparently, this one.

We actually had to turn all the way around and go back home because we forgot our flashlight...

Day 3 was all about odds and ends...still had a couple flubs, but we're on the home-stretch now!

___________________________

Up next: Producation Day 4 - The CNE!!!

-ImNotJulien

Rug Burns: Production - Day 2

2011-10-04T06:12:00.006-04:00

Sunday, August 28th, 2011

Day 2 had another rough start. The night before was a buddy's birthday and BBQ...I turned in at around 11PM, but the lead in my movie (Rug) decided to stay out and party a little longer.

We had talked about striking up our set at around 10AM. That didn't happen. We probably didn't roll tape until around noon...

The Interrogation Scene - Pat's Garage

One thing I anticipated was that people who said the would help with the project might drop out, or show up late. That's why, by and large, I decided to pick up and drop off almost everyone involved in the shoot.

I picked up my buddy Steve from his house at around 11:30AM and only had him on loan for about 2 hours...

One thing I had not anticipated was that Rug's mom would be barging into the garage every 5 minutes to get hedge clippers...

Breaking the fourth wall? Or opening the back door? You decide, America!

In any case, this scene was messy and a lot of fun. Steve sat there for a good hour while we pelted him with bags of flour...I mean coke...bags and bags of pure cocaine...

Rug Burns - Coke Trailer from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

Park Lawn Cemetery

After helping Adam G. move out of his apartment, we brought him to Park Lawn Cemetery to shoot a quick scene.

There's something off-putting about cemeteries. Oh yeah, the dead bodies.

That, and as per usual, we didn't have permission to shoot there.

No permission to shoot. But we did have a license to kill..har har har.

This was one of the few scenes where I had some gore effects planned.

We were in and out of there in 20 minutes, with no one the wiser...

Only I realized later that night that I had forgotten the pool noodle I used as a fake arm...

Phone Booth, Driving, and Trunk Scene

Not much to report on from these locations. We went in the early evening, got what we needed, and took off!

I wish I'd gotten some better driving footage...and some shots of the wheels from the passenger seat...

We tried to get a peelout going using pine combs (probably a first in the history of movie making). Didn't work. Next time bring flour.

___________________________

Next up: Production Day 3: Armenian Mobsters!

-ImNotJulien

Graeme

2011-09-28T05:02:00.004-04:00

Graeme from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

Wish I'd gotten one of those cool 'look into my eyes' shot while I was outside with Graeme.
Apart from asking questions, I did not direct Graeme in any way.
Wish I'd gotten more wide angle shots during the interveiw.
Wish I hadn't shot the interview into the light.
Those horizontal lines on the background wall during the talking head parts are pretty distracting/annoying.
The camera was a little below eye-level...I should have bumped it up a notch.
I used boom/shotgun mics. I don't know if we get access to lapel mics...I'll have to ask.
The Adobe Media Encoder (CS4) encoder sucks. It takes 20 minutes to encode a 3 minute video. Not to mention, there's a lot of weird interlacing going on...even though it was shot/edited in 30p...and the export-to-tape version came out clean.
For what it was, and what it is, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. It's at least semi-compelling, interesting, different...

-ImNotJulien

Rug Burns - Production - Day 1 - Part 2

2011-09-24T03:52:00.004-04:00

Saturday, August 27th, 2011

Cherry Street

It was getting close to 9AM and every location was becoming more crowded with civilians. As ridiculous as it sounds...it really is difficult to shoot anything with fake guns in complete broad day light. Our hopes were that by starting early, we'd be able to avoid the crowds...but having to wait for the fog to dissipate at Polson Pier meant we we running behind by about a half-hour.

Also, I guess I didn't do my homework on this industrial section of town, but we eventually realized there was a security company that provides services for TPS located right down the street (Intelligarde International - Private Investigations, Bomb Detection, Security Patrols, etc). Over the next hour cops continually passed us as we shot scenes in three different locations.

Cherry Street Bridge

We also ended up having a couple run-ins with some pedestrians and joggers. Apparently, having a fake gun tucked in your waistband while strutting around is not a good idea...lesson learned!

Do your shooting early. 6-8AM on Saturday and Sunday are great...after that you're just asking for trouble.

Unwin Avenue

We had one final walking shot to film, and I wanted Pat to be holding the Mac10. Fortunately, Pat was a little bit more cautious, or perhaps aware, and insisted he only carry the handcuffs...that decision might have saved us dearly.

[I'm not very familiar with the law, but from what I understand, it is illegal to spray paint any toy gun. Also, most toy guns come with a red plastic tip on the barrel, so that they are not easily mistaken for real guns. Apparently, if you tamper with those red tips, you could be in a heap of trouble. In fact, if you commit a robbery with a fake gun, it's the same charge as if the guns were real (just a heads up to any future felons out there).]

In any case, the trunk of my car contained something like a dozen, fake, modified, and spray-painted guns. On top of that, we also had an exact replica of a Beretta. From what I've been told, these are now altogether illegal in Canada.

And on top of having a trunk full of guns, we were also shooting in an industrial factory area, with plenty of "Keep Out" signs...

So I guess it was just a matter of time before the cops wanted to chat with us...

Right as we were about to leave, the cops rolled up and asked me what we were up to. Not being able to think of a lie quick enough, I told the truth:

"We're shooting a short film."
"Yeah? What's the film about?"
"A vigilante cop."
"Yeah? Is he a good cop or a bad cop?"
Immediately, I answered "A good cop!!!"

They laughed and went on their way. I felt scared. I was sweating bullets (PUN). I was so thankful they didn't ask if we were using any guns...we dodged a huge bullet (PUN).

In all seriousness, I knew we'd have problems shooting in certain locations, but having no money for a sound stage, and at the same, really wanting the location shots to look cool as fuck, I took some risks. I'm not sure I'd take the same risks again, but I do know the next time I plan something on this scale, I know I have to choose wisely the people I work with. You really have to be able to trust the crew you're working with to make smart decisions.

I also learned that it's best to tell the truth when dealing with law enforcement...but don't tell the whole truth ("Officer, we got ourselves a trunk full of guns over there!")

Westwood Cinema

I gotta say after arriving back in Etobicoke, I definitely felt like we were pushing our luck. I decided to dramatically cut down the scenes taking place at Westwood Cinema (an abandoned movie theatre, which was actually supposed to be demolished this summer...).

I thought I would be happier getting my two best scenes, and getting the fuck out of there, instead of getting all ten scenes and end up on the evening news (Westwood Theatre is down the street from Toronto Police Division 22).

We arrived "on set" at around 1PM, having already pre-planned the whole thing to go down in a matter of 5 minutes. Me, Pat, and our pal Simon (playing 'Bad Guy #5') made a b-line for the rooftop...

...while Team Beta (Adam and John) were to set up the wide angle camera, and build us a nice pile of boxes to drive through...

Remember to douse the boxes in flour to make the whole thing look balleristic...

I really wish we'd had more time to spend here...I would have shot the box scene from a tripod, and not to mention I goofed on getting a cool/simple action sequence, all because I didn't have time to re-read my shot list...in retrospect, more time, a third camera, and a production assistant would have all helped at this location...

...but with that being said, how fuckin' sick does this shit look? I'm pretty happy we were able to incorporate a piece of Etobicoke history into 'Rug Burns', considering the whole thing is being converted into a courthouse and parking facility in a matter of months...

After packing up our boxes and dusting off the car, we called it a day!

___________________________

Up next: Day 2 - Cemeteries and Interrogations!

-ImNotJulien

Rug Burns - Production - Day 1 - Part 1

2011-09-12T19:14:00.089-04:00

Saturday - August 27th, 2011

Things started off with a thud. I was up at 5:30AM to shower and pack the car. Adam promised the night before he'd be up at the same time to wake up John, since we knew the sun would rise at 6:35AM, we'd try to get as much daylight as possible.

Adam either didn't set his alarm, or slept through his alarm. (Behind-the-Scenes Factoid: My little sister told me that he used an entire roll of toilet paper the night before. Is that why he overslept? I don't have the answer for that.)

I packed the car, woke up John, texted Pat, and went to wake up Adam at 5:55AM.

Adam and John insisted on getting Tim Hortons before we headed downtown.

I ate a banana, an orange, and a granola bar.

John bought Timbits and a small coffee (more on this later).

As we drove along the Gardiner Expressway, we realized we didn't have a sword for the scene...Adam mentioned that he had one back in Georgetown...too late to head back, we'd have to improvise.

I parked the car off York St. and we headed to the first location.

Rooftop Parking Lot - Lower Simcoe Street

During location scouting, I found out that half of this parking facility was under construction...which meant the place would be deserted on a Saturday morning.

The first scene we shot was in the stairwell...

Camera work courtesy of John

Working with a two-camera setup, you have to constantly be aware of where the other camera is, without shooting the other camera...this proved to be pretty difficult, and in the end, about 50% of the footage will need to be cropped or trashed altogether.

I remembered from my last visit that there was a broken window somewhere in the stairwell. Thanks to a clumsy construction worker we didn't have to vandalize any property to get some good looking shots:

We probably should have cleared the broken glass before having Adam lie on the ground...

We shot another chase scene on the 7th floor of the parking tower before moving up to the rooftop. The only problem is we didn't have a knife, we didn't have a sword, we didn't have a chain, we had no other weapons...essentially 'Bad Guy #2' was gonna bring his fists to a gunfight...

Scanning the parking lot, I noticed there were some extra fence parts lying around...PERFECT!

Rug has hops.

Part of the allure for using this location was the amazing skyline we'd be able to capture during fight scenes.

The struggle ensues...eight stories above downtown Toronto.

I took a couple extra 'glamour' pics featuring Rug in front of the CN Tower...and then we got the fuck out of Dodge.

One ethical dilemma we encountered almost everywhere was whether or not we should clean the areas before leaving. The problem is the longer you stick around somewhere (when you don't have a permit) the more likely you are to get busted and harassed. So we guiltily left some puddles of fake blood in the stairwell...but on the positive side, the blood consisted of mostly chocolate syrup, which masked the smell of hobo urine quite nicely...so at least we left the place smelling better than when we got there.

Polson Pier

Mere minutes upon our arrival at Polson Pier, Pat dropped my voice recorder. Fortunately the night before I packed a bunch of tape...just in case. Always, always, always bring tape.

While I was fixing the recorder, our pal John (pictured above in the gore-tex jacket) started to puke his guts out. As director, I immediately instructed Adam to start rolling tape...and lucky for you, he caught the last 30 seconds of it...enjoy!

'Rug Burns' meets John Ralphs from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

I guess running around in a gore-tex jacket for half an hour after chugging energy drinks isn't the best idea...

John, however, was a real trooper and insisted he was fine, sticking around for another 5 hours of shooting!

During our time at Polson Pier, we shot some chase scenes, the toll booth scene, and lots of skyline shots...as you can tell, shit was poppin' off:

If this were a poster, I'd hang it on my wall.

One snag we hit was that I originally picked an abandoned toll booth for us to use. But when we got there, it was chained off, and we couldn't get our car through. I didn't remember a chain being there. Lucky for us the next nearest toll booth was unlocked...

Another thing I forgot to consider was the morning humidity...that morning was exceptionally foggy, so we had a really narrow window of opportunity to shoot skyline shots.

Before we left for Cherry Street, we got Pat doing some stunts...a couple commando rolls, jumping off loading docks...and this:

Rug Burns? Rug Spills! from 3+one entertainment on Vimeo.

It probably didn't help that he was wearing his work shoes from the office.

Save for a couple nosy bystanders, Polson Pier was a great location to shoot at.

___________________

Next time: Cherry Street, Real Cops, and Westwood Theatre!

-ImNotJulien

Rug Burns - Last Minute Preparations

2011-09-11T18:00:00.000-04:00

Friday - August 26th, 2011

I spent all day phoning around trying to secure an extra for Saturday at 6AM. About a month earlier my friend Steve promised he'd be available for the day. Now he was telling me had to work.

I called everyone and anyone I knew...I even called some people I didn't know...I can't say I'm surprised that no one was interested in getting up at 5 in the morning (for no pay...on a weekend) to shoot some rinky-dink movie.

Fortunately Adam Norton agreed to help out on the project. He was in Georgetown getting his wisdom teeth taken out, but planned on spending the weekend at a friend's cottage. He said he would come help out for a day if his friend, John, could join too.

This was great news for me. It meant I'd have another bad guy for Rug to beat up, and also an extra set of hands to run the secondary camera.

I met up with Pat (playing the role of 'Rug Burns') at around 9PM on Friday night and finally delivered him the script. We hashed out some final details for the next morning's shoot.

I was hoping to shoot at the break of dawn on Saturday morning on a rooftop parking lot in downtown Toronto...so that meant picking up the guys from Georgetown Friday night, so we could get out there nice and early.

My mom, the ultimate production assistant, prepared the guest room and the basement for the boys to sleep.

_______________

Next up: Production begins...

-ImNotJulien

Rug Burns: Vigilante Cop - Pre-Production

2011-09-05T23:11:00.007-04:00

'Rug Burns' started off as my ode to blaxploitation films of days gone by.

Drug dealers, hitmen, gangstas and pimps...jump cuts, action montages, explosions, soul and funk soundtracks...blaxploitation films combine all the greatest things to known man...along with some great actors such as Fred Williamson, Pam Grier, Jim Kelly, Rudy Ray Moore, the list goes on...

If you're looking to bone up on your blaxploitation films, MGM re-released a number of blaxploitation films about ten years ago on VHS and DVD under the heading of 'Soul Cinema'...including 'Coffy', 'Across 110th Street', 'Foxy Brown', 'Blacula', and the all-but-forgotten 'Bucktown':

"Bucktown, where the chicks are on the make, the cops are on the take, and the welcoming committee is a sawed-off shotgun!"

Does shit get realer than this? One of the actual lines from this movie is "They don't give a damn who gets killed, just as long as the dice keep rollin', the hos keep ho'in', and the money keeps flowin'!"

It's fast and fun cinema for the masses.

Rug Burns: In the beginning...

I actually created 'Rug Burns' for my radio show (Moon Down Radio). Eventually I recorded 2-3 audio episodes which included Rug going to the barbershop, and Rug foiling a bank heist. Listening back to the old tapes, I realize 'Rug' is pretty much 'Dirty Harry'. Oh well...

In any case, I proposed to my pal 'P-Tricky' AKA 'P-Dub' in Toronto that he play the role of 'Rug Burns' (you don't technically need to be black to play the lead in a blaxploitation film). I'd seen him do a few top-notch viral videos before and thought I'd be better suited behind the camera and writing the script.

In the end we set a date of Aug 27 to begin shooting. That meant I had a couple months to write up the script.

But first, we needed to find places to shoot.

Location, Location, Location

Considering this was originally planned as a no-budget operation, with no crew, and little to no outside help, Toronto was the place we needed to be. We didn't have money for sets, or big special effects, so the better our real-life locales looked, the better the end product would be (hopefully).

With that in mind, I spent a couple days in Toronto looking for suitable shooting locations which would allow us both a) amazing scenery, and b) the least amount of outside interference.

Here are a few locations I came up with and visited:

Rooftop Parking Lot - Downtown Toronto

Polson Pier - Filming Strictly Prohibited

Cherry Street Bridge

Train tracks - Unwin Ave.

Westwood Theatre (Abandoned) - Etobicoke

We would go back a few days later, and discovered we could get rooftop access...

Park Lawn Cemetery

In the end I narrowed the field down to about 8 locations we could possibly use (having actual locations in mind and pictures to refer to would really help with the writing process later on).

Da Script! Da Fuck?

I've never written a script before, but I did read Robert Rodriguez's amazing little book, and he made it sound pointless to learn the actual formatting of scripts. After all, I'm the only guy who really needs to read and understand it.

All the ideas came together pretty fast...I drew inspiration (read: ripped off) Spike Jonze's 'Sabotage' music video, Lee Demarbe's film 'Harry Knuckles', and John Davies and Jason Eisener's 'Hobo With with a Shotgun'.

The actual writing was pretty slow though. I usually scribble ideas down on pieces of papers and post it notes...not to mention I'm a horrible procrastinator, so gathering everything into one neat tidy package was a bit of a pain in the ass.

Even though I had months to complete it, I only finished writing it the Tuesday before we got shooting.

At the end of the day, the 7-page script consisted only of about 25 spoken lines. Since we were shooting a trailer, and not an actual short film, most of the script detailed action shots and sequences.

Now, the only thing left to do, was secure some fake guns, prep some fake blood, get some extras, and hope for good weather.

_______________

Next time, Day 1 of shooting!

-ImNotJulien

the human condition

2011-08-24T17:16:00.000-04:00

The line separating right and wrong is a fine one.
To be innocent, open, and infinitely human was wrong.

The difference between a man's desire, and his underlying capability, is a large one.
To be myself, was to be wrong, and so I bore it.

I was told I was wrong, because I wouldn't chase after what was right...

...and so someday I will be wrong again.

Whatever. Wherever.

2011-08-22T00:45:00.000-04:00

~~Whe~~never.

tonight

2011-08-21T08:12:00.001-04:00

It rained. I laughed...
You smirked,
Resenting the impermanent man,

...incapable of promising forever, promised honestly, nothing at all.
only tonight?
the flawed child,

Guilty of transience. Ephemera personified.
Fuck.
the boy who lived in the clouds.

Commitment and Marriage

2011-08-20T06:12:00.033-04:00

The (seemingly) natural progression of a personal relationship in 2011 is one which involves commitments of increasing magnitude being made by one person to another.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, commitment is: 'an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action'.

Do I hear wedding bells? Or is that just the restriction of freedom? Hard to tell.

Interestingly enough, if you look up the definition of 'marriage', you'll see this:

The Ceremony

It should really be no surprise that your run-of-the-mill wedding vows underline the importance of commitment in marriage...after all, marriage is the ultimate loss of freedom...I mean the ultimate commitment.

Let's look at the vows!

I, (your name), take you (her/his/its name),

To be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband/thing) - [You can't spell 'lawful' without the word 'awful']

To have and to hold from this day forward,

For better - [That' s good]

Or for worse - [Ummm...]

For richer - [YES YES YES!!!]

For poorer - [Fack.]

In sickness - [Well, maybe. Depends how bad the illness is.]

And in health,

To love and to cherish from this day forward;

Until death* do us part. - [Kind of a cryptic ending...but it's the standard.]

*It's a good thing divorce is legal these days...back in the olden days, your only way out was apparently 'death'. You'd either have to kill yourself, or kill your spouse...personally, I'd kill my spouse.

At second glance, however, marriage seems to be less about commitment, and more about possession:

I, _______, take you _______,

To be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband/thing)

To have and to hold...

So marriage is not commitment, nor is it imprisonment, but rather ownership.

And really, what's so bad about one person owning another person?

I can't think of a single time in history when that idea backfired.

"At least we're not married."

Temporary Marriage / Serial Marriage

Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead and admit off the top that this entire section is ripped out of Toffler's Future Shock.

The theory is pretty simple: We are living in the most technologically advanced society to date. Our society is fast-paced, dynamic, and transient.

Everything is more temporary than ever.

Therefore, everything within our society reflects these cultural characteristics. Girls hit puberty earlier, cars break down faster, and marriages don't last as long.

The majority of people who get married, get divorced. Then they get re-married...then they get divorced again...then they get tired and give up on the institution of marriage.

Commitment

Toffler points to our transient lives (too much change in too little time) as being the problem. He's probably right.

But I believe there's more to it than that. I believe there is something inherently flawed with marriage itself:

Marriage is based on commitment.
But most people don't share the same commitments.

Monogamy

The very most basic commitment one makes in marriage is to not sleep with other people. Humans, as far as I know, are the only living creatures to take on this herculean task.

Most humans fail.

But this couple is still happily married:

The Circle of Life? More like The Circle of Wife! Amirite LOLERZ

Unless you look anything like the couple pictured above, monogamy will always be the ideal, and rarely the reality.

Furthermore, it's a pretty antiquated thought that humans are meant to only love one other person their entire lives. It's a bullshit-romantic cliche that's propagated by the assholes who work at Disney. In the end, it does more harm than good. People torture themselves trying to make relationships work when they are already broken, only because they're convinced things are "meant to be", and that their significant other is "the one and only".

In the words of Kanye Omari West, "Love is cursed by monogamy."

I think love should be shared, but that's a completely different topic. Love has little to do with marriage and commitment.

Kommitment 4 Kids

The only real commitment I understand is when two people commit to being parents (although even today a single person has the opportunity to do so through IVF or adoption).

Even still, you'll find people generally want to raise kids in some kind of committed partnership.

My parents, for example, have a relationship...but maybe only because they have four kids. Kids make a relationship necessary. Over time, you probably become more committed to your kids, than to your significant other. I imagine. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not a parent (as far as I know).

In any case, when raising kids, I actually do feel marriage is extremely important. It protects children as it offers legal recourse should the mother or father neglect to hold up their end of the bargain.

So there you go, I'm actually in favour of marriage.

-ImNotJulien

Love

2011-08-20T02:59:00.001-04:00

Love is a privilege, and a curse.
Love is an act of weakness, vulnerability, and contempt.
Love is a void.
Love is a bond. Love is an attachment.
Love is a sickness, and love is a disease.

My heart goes out to anyone in love.

-ImNotJulien

Siftin' through the wreckage of a past life...

2011-08-13T07:03:00.000-04:00

I sometimes feel the need to go back and fix what ~~I have broken~~ was broken.

Even if I did manage to fix it, it would eventually become unglued.

I was never that good at fixing things.

I was a female model, once.

2011-08-10T14:28:00.000-04:00

Last night I was looking through some old posters and found these pictures from my youth...

The actual story behind these isn't that interesting...but needless to say I was taken advantage of prior to, during, and after the shoot...

-ImNotJulien

Love Hurts, wah.

2011-08-09T05:13:00.000-04:00

I was trying to fuckin' enjoy Nazareth's Love Hurts on YouTube, when I started scrolling through the comments...and stumbled upon this:

Dear jeff62rey,

1) You're a fucking bitch.
2) I wish death would consume you.
3) Brittany hates your guts.
4) Go fuck yourself.

Yours truly,

-ImNotJulien

Dating: How?

2011-08-03T07:03:00.027-04:00

So you've decided you want to get in a relationship. But...how?

First off...dating is out! Nobody dates anymore. People don't do dating.

Asking someone out on a "date" is extremely formal, inorganic, and forces you to lie ("I know a really great place" but really, you don't know shit. You don't even know where you left your keys).

Here's a quality tip for the lads: You should, never, ever, ever, EVER ask a girl out on a date.

No matter what you do or say, you'll always seem like a creep, even though you're totally not. I mean, you're a decent guy (or a rapist, whatever).

Speaking of which...

It's time for another round of 'Decent Guy...or Rapist?'

You have 20 seconds...GO!!!

If you said...rapist, you are 100% correct...but you win nothing.

This is Academy-Award Winning Rapist Joseph Brooks.

[Editor's Note: He looks pretty normal to me.]

Dating in the 21st Century:

What I have learned (not so much from experience, but moreso from my sister who skanks around with everyone and then tells me about it) is that girls would rather hang out in an informal setting, preferably with a group of friends. If you can't get a group of friends together, get a group of enemies. Just so long as everyone knows one another.

In essence, this is dating in the 21st century.

This is dating a guy from Century 21.

The First 'Real' Date

There might come a point when you actually do find yourself on a one-on-one date with that special someone.

Resist asking the following:

"Who's paying?"
"Where's the beef?"
"Does the carpet match the drapes?"
"How much cock could a cock-hungry whore suck, if a cock-hungry whore could suck cock?"

Also, resist doing the following:

Talking.

You will only fuck up your chances. We both know you're no Shakespeare...and quite frankly Shakespeare was kind of a freak. So keep yer trap shut.

So now we know what NOT to ask, and what NOT to do...so what DO you do on a date?

On a typical first 'real' date, you'll meet someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex, it doesn't really matter), and then you'll go some place...like dinner, a movie, outer-space...and you're gonna sit there. Sit there and listen.

Be forewarned: Most people don't have much to say, but they talk lots anyway.

And that's pretty much it. Just nod and pretend that the other person is fascinating, even though they are so fucking boring you've started to consider stabbing your penis with a fork (or if you're a lady, your vagina with a steak knife - I like mine medium-rare).

If your penis/vagina/pegina is still intact after the mind-numbing conversation, remember to go the extra mile. Do something special to give that person the false impression that they are more important than they actually are.

We're talking presents, yo.

You get extra points if it's exotic...like a diamond...

Ladies love diamonds.

Or a chainsaw...

Dudes love chainsaws.

Or a sherpa...

Trannies love sherpas.

Later on...

After lots and lots of talking, and stuff, the two of you will start hanging out more, and even possibly hold hands or something fruity like that. Then after that, there's like heavy petting, making out, hand jobs, blow jobs, and a bunch of other nonsense, which, from what I remember, is a lot of fun.

Filthy, salacious hand holdin'

With that being said, an important thing to remember is to ask the other person, "Are we going steady?" which is to guarantee exclusivity in the relationship.

See, it's not enough to just have good times, moments, or memories with another person. You need to make sure that you're the only person they can have a good time with in the future as well. It's just common sense, folks.

I usually make the girls I date sign a blood oath stating that they won't dare look at other men above the kneecaps.

Later later on...

The really cool thing about relationships is that eventually people get too lazy to start new ones. Most people end up staying in relationships far longer than they'd want to because it's a matter of convenience...or inconvenience, rather.

I mean, let's be real...who wants to go through that whole process I just detailed above, again? It's exhausting. Why bother?

That's why it's better to stay in your current relationship.

I say if you are considering breaking up with your current boy/girl/thing-friend, you should always think back to this old adage: Complacency guarantees lifelong happiness.
___________________

Next time...Commitment and Marriage!

-ImNotJulien

In the throes...

2011-07-30T04:32:00.002-04:00

I haven't slept much over the last ten days...maybe 25 hours altogether...tops.

Woke up Friday morning with the turbulent feeling in my gut that I was falling...

I've spent all summer being even-keeled, not letting my thoughts linger too much on any one person or any one thing...and yet here I am...sitting on the precipice.

In the back of my mind, I know all too well that I'm back on my way to ruining my life again, for old habits always die hard.

I had told myself, "Didn't we agree not to do this shit anymore?"

I retreated to a peaceful slumber...only to be awoken by a violent storm. Outside.

Regardless, I thought I was of clear mind and conscience.

I took the plunge.
____________________

I may have wrecked everything...which is delightful, because truth be told, I never really had anything to begin with...only moments and memories, indestructible.

So I have no regrets, for I am grateful for fear.

I have no fear, for courage is a lie.
____________________

I know not what I've done, only that soon triumph and tragedy will come to pass. As all things do.

-ImNotJulien

Dating: Why?

2011-07-20T05:00:00.023-04:00

~~A Cynic's Guide to Dating~~ ~~A Nihilist's Guide to Dating~~ ~~An Ataraxiast's Guide to Dating~~

Julien's Guide to Dating: The Whys

I think I want to fall in love again...

…but I don't really know what that means.

I honestly can't even really remember what falling in love is like...

Part of the problem is that I'm a guy and thereby cursed with the sin of lust.

Sin starts right where the red arrow indicates, at the tip, actually.

In some cultures, a penis that curves towards the left is considered especially sinister. LOL. Get it? Sinister, left, sin...get it, bah, whatever.

Here’s one such example of sin getting the better of me: If I'm buying groceries, I'll start wondering about the lady at the register... "Could she be single? What's her life like?” and then I'll think, "Yeah, it'd be kinda cool to get to know her as a person, and maybe even have a positive impact on her life...and then what I'll do…is FUCK her...FUCK. HER. HARD."

I'll be honest...if the line's moving fast, I'll skip right to thinking of the fucking part...

So sadly, up until recently, other than dirty filthy coitus, I couldn't really think of any other reasons to get in a relationship. Why should I get in a relationship? Why should anyone get in a relationship? If you're not gonna have kids, what's the point? Just empty sex?
[Editor's Note: Just empty sex? That would be a great relationship.]

Fortunately, I racked my brain for twenty minutes and here's what I came up with!

Why Get In A Relationship?

The Bill Withers Theory

You should get in a relationship… so you’ll have someone to talk to...somebody to lean on…

…but, to be truthful, I've nary met a person who didn't have friends or family to talk to.

I wouldn't lean on this dude, even if he was the last dude to lean on, on earth!

The Show-Off Theory

You should get in a relationship… to show-off and show-up your friends, enemies, coworkers, etc.

There’s nothing better than making other people jealous. Feel free to go places with your significant other and say to everyone, "Hey! Look at this dude (or hot piece of ass) I reeled in. We’re tight...that's why we're holding hands…in PUBLIC!!! BITCH!!!"

The 21^st Night of September Theory

You should get in a relationship… because you love the other person (whatever that means).

Interestingly, scientists have discovered that it is possible to love another person without being in a relationship with them. But if you’re the possessive type, feel free to claim exclusive ownership of your man/woman/thing.

The S/he’s Perfect Theory

You should get in a relationship… because this person is perfect, and you want to be with them forever...

…but do you really want to be around somebody forever? 24/7? That sounds exhausting...I mean, even perfect people have to poop.

…but of course, this is different…your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever actually is perfect.

All I can say then, is...good for you! You’re pretty lucky to have found someone perfect...considering the list of men and women throughout history that have actually been perfect is pretty short.

Come to think of it, I can only think of one man that was perfect. His name was Jesus.

And he was celibate.

-ImNotJulien

PS - Let's all lay off the bullshit-romantic clichés. All those old sayings are so tired…

"Oh, such-and-such completes me!" Completes what? Another person makes you whole? So before this relationship you were just part of a person, but now, thanks to this separate human being, you’re a complete person? What the fuck does that even mean?

PPS - Speaking of clichés, don’t people say, “If you love something, you should let it go”? Seems like getting in a relationship would be the exact opposite of that. Oh well, whatever.

PPPS - I know Jesus wasn't actually perfect...but he did have great hair.

Ultimately...

2011-07-19T23:48:00.001-04:00

I've given birth to you...

So that you may watch me die.
So that you may experience a deep sense of loss.
So that you will feel left behind.
So that you will be all alone.

Hopeless, in despair.

Death

2011-07-15T04:31:00.003-04:00

Excerpts from Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilych

"It's not a question of my appendix or my kidney, but of life and...death. Yes, life was there and now it is going, going and I cannot stop it. Yes. Why deceive myself? Isn't it obvious to everyone but me that I'm dying, and that it's only a question of weeks, days...it may happen any moment. There was light and now there's darkness. I was here and now I'm going there! Where?" A chill came over him, his breathing ceased, and he felt only the throbbing of his heart.

"When I'm not, what will there be? There'll be nothing. Then where will I be when I'm no more? Can this by dying? No, I don't want to! ...What's the use? It makes no difference. Death. Yes, death. And none of them knows or wishes to know it, and they have no pity for me. Now they are singing and playing. It's all the same to them, but they'll die too! Fools! First me, and later them, but it'll be the same for them. And now they're merry...the beasts!"

Anger choked him and he was agonizingly, unbearably miserable. "It's impossible that all men have been doomed to suffer this awful horror!"

Breathless and in despair he fell on his back, expecting death to come immediately.

In the depth of his heart he knew he was dying, but not only was he unaccustomed to the thought, he simply did not and could not grasp it.
_______________________

Life, a series of increasing sufferings, flies further and further towards its end - the most terrible suffering. "I'm flying..." He shuddered, shifted himself, and tried to resist, but was already aware that resistance was impossible, and again with eyes tired of gazing but unable to cease seeing before them, he stared at the back of the sofa and waited - awaiting the dreadful fall and shock and destruction.

"Resistance is impossible!" he said to himself. "If only I could understand what it's all for! But that too is impossible. An explanation would be possible if it could be said that I've not lived as I ought to. "There's no explanation! Agony, death...what for?"
_______________________

The question suddenly occurred to him: "What if my whole life has been wrong?"

It occurred to him that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might be true after all. It occurred to him that his scarcely perceptible attempts to struggle against what was considered good by the most highly placed people, those scarcely noticeable impulses which he had immediately suppressed, might have been the real thing, and all the rest false. His professional duties and the whole arrangement of his life and his family, all his social and official interests, might all have been false...

There was nothing to defend.
_______________________

In the morning when he first saw his footman, then his wife, then his daughter, and then the doctor, their every word and movement confirmed the awful truth that had been revealed to him during the night. In them he saw himself - all that for which he had lived - and saw clearly that it was not real at all, but a terrible and huge deception which had hidden both life and death.

All revealed the same thing. "This is wrong, it's not as it should be. All you've lived for and still live for is falsehood and deception, hiding life and death from you."

Prosti Propusti
_______________________

There was no fear because there was no death.

-Leo Tolstoy

I really love this short story...

To people who haven't read the whole thing, first off, I suggest you do. It's a super-short read, it's funny, it's somber, and it's interesting.

Essentially, Ivan Ilych is a guy who's sick, but he's not sure what he has, and he teeters between hope and despair as he lies on his death bed. From the excerpts above, you can tell Ivan Ilych begins to call into question the purpose of life and what it means to live a good life...

I imagine you can read about death and the afterlife in the bible and other places...but Tolstoy's version is so much more...terrifying? Satisfactory? Real? What I mean to say is that I'm not a big "pearly gates" guy, or "God is bearded dude" guy...so I found this to be a kickass piece of literature. And I don't say that often about literature.

Near the end of the story, Ivan Ilych concludes that life is an illusion. Essentially everything we do in our everyday lives simply masks the reality that one day, we're all gonna die. It could be in a couple years, months, or days, but the true, underlying reality always awaits for us.

That's what I love about this short story. Your entire life you prepare for dances, look for a better job, worry about what kind of food you're eating...but it's pretty much an illusion. It's almost as though we're all playing pretend...we're all pretending the terrible inevitable won't happen to us.

Every adult, and even most teenagers, know that at a certain point or another, we will simply cease to exist. And yet, death doesn't bother us that much. Death bothers sick people. Death bothers old people. Death bothers people who are grieving a lost life. But for most of us, death is an afterthought. We're all aware death is there, but we do everything we can to bury that reality. It's bizarre. I sometimes wonder if as a society we're all too eager to avoid thinking about death. Certainly it can't be a bad idea to prepare for our confrontations with death...after all, death is the only thing that you really get in life.

Think about it. What do you have right now that you'll have forever? Nothing. But death...death lasts a lifetime. Longer, actually.

Maybe if we were more comfortable with the idea of death, we'd able to kindly grant others the right to die. You know? That way they could go out with a little dignity, instead of being unable to move, doped up on meds, in constant pain, and crapping their pants? (By that same token, 'Death of Ivan Ilych' could be viewed as a piece which argues strongly against giving people the right to die...)

But I guess the only way to "live life" is to not think about death. Yet the only difference between you (alive) and a dead guy (adead) is that your heart is still beating, and his ain't. On a universal scale, that's not a huge difference.

Meeting Death

When Ivan finally meets death, he discovers that death is actually nothing.

It's a weird thought. We all meet death and yet none of us really meet death. In fact, you die before you meet death. The only thing you know is existence, and death is simply the absence of that existence. Death is nothingness.

I suppose it makes sense then that we're afraid of death. Death is something we don't know. In fact, death is everything we don't know. Death is the complete absence of knowledge and being... Death is the absence of knowing, feeling, thinking, and being anything at all.

What's even weirder though, is that from a theoretical standpoint, existence is actually more death than life. Time and space (the universe) are infinite. You and I, we're finite. So let's do some quick math:

Let's say you're fortunate enough to live to the ripe old age of 92 (you're looking good by the way, are you using a new moisturizer?)

The universe/time/space is infinite.

So... 92 years, divide by infinity...equals...let me see...

Zero.

Life is actually the closest thing to nothingness there is! It's practically nothing. Life is essentially nothing. And death? Death actually is nothing! Or everything...depending on how you look at it.

So not only is there no death, there's actually no life! No wonder life is so scary. Life is practically nothing!

Anyway, now that that's all cleared up, I'm gonna go back to eating this bagel with cream cheese. Good night.

-ImNotJulien

PS - Of course, I'm talking in macrocosms...and most people don't live, or think, on that kind of scale...but that doesn't mean it's not real. Simply because we live our day to day lives in blissful ignorance, it doesn't exclude us from the larger universal truths. The good news is though, because life is so close to being nothing, it doesn't really matter whether it has meaning or not. Life just is. Well...life is more isn't than is, but you get the idea.

The Disease of Entitlement

2011-07-14T05:06:00.012-04:00

I just saw the Conan O'Brien documentary..."Conan O'Brien Can't Stop" (which should probably be called "Jay Leno Can't Stop" - har har har).

Anyway, as much as I like and respect Conan, the movie was a pointless waste of time. It had no real narrative, none of the poignant questions were asked, and overall it seemed like an afterthought on the part of the producers and director.

What I did find interesting though, and wished I could have seen more of, is Conan's real motivation for doing the tour and the documentary. Or really, what motivates a man to keep working after a $45 million settlement.

Although I can't recommend the Conan doc, I definitely would recommend fans of late night television pick up Bill Carter's "The War for Late Night". He gives an uber-detailed blow-by-blow of the whole Tonight Show fiasco.

To make a long story slightly shorter, back in 2004, Conan was prepared to leave NBC unless he was promised the Tonight Show in his next contract.

What's the big deal about The Tonight Show? For starters, the Tonight Show airs at 11:35pm, and at one point, was hosted by Johnny Carson. The earlier time slot means more money. The fact that Carson hosted it at some point also has some sort of symbolic value for the sycophants who actually watched that turd of a show. Translation: Conan wanted his name alongside his idol's.

Conan had followed Leno for some 15 years, and felt it was his time to stand in the slightly larger spotlight. Conan could have stayed in New York, and he could have stayed at 12:35. But he NEEDED to be on the Tonight Show. The documentary never really explains why Conan felt this way...and they probably avoided it on purpose, because the answer ain't pretty: Conan is sick with the disease of entitlement.

Conan repeatedly claims "I'm the least entitled guy I know", yet two seconds later is saying "I'm so angry other people [i.e. Jay Leno] get to be on TV, and not me."

Television ain't the make-a-wish foundation. It's based on ratings, revenue, star power...but mostly ratings. Conan's ratings sucked. I'll be the first guy to say that NBC didn't really give the show a chance to succeed, but nonetheless, Conan was master of his own destiny...not to mention, nobody really owed him the chance anyway [I understand it's popular belief, but beyond your parents (and maybe your siblings) nobody really owes you shit in life. It's sobering, but true...more on this later].

The truth of the matter is, this sense of entitlement...that he is somehow owed something better than he received, is indicative that Conan O'Brien is likely a narcissist.

I'm not a big fan of Murray's "narcissistic triad", but bear with me, as it seemingly applies to Conan O'Brien:

Entitlement: Conan felt he deserved the Tonight Show...because he's special...and, well, just because. Also, Conan worked hard...[so did Jay Leno]...but Conan worked hard too dammit...and Conan's a special little boy.
Disappointment: Conan gets shived by NBC execs/his own team of agents, and becomes despondent.
Rage: Conan gets mad.
Time-out: Conan is sent to his room to think about what he's done.

Alright, that last stage I made up.

But, in any case, it did get me thinking about what role entitlement, jealousy, envy, and to a lesser degree, jenvy, play in our lives and society at large.

As a kid I learned all about the green-eyed monster...mostly from those lovable Jewish grizzlies, the Berenstain Bears.

I'll be honest, I don't really remember the story too well. I think Bart or whatever the boy's name is, gets a cool looking bicycle (pictured above) and then his sister gets jealous, so she pushes him off the bike...or maybe she stole it and took it down to the ravine where all the potheads toke up, and traded the bike for some shit hash. I don't remember exactly, but it's something like that.

Anyway, the point is this: It's bad to be envious of what other people have. It's bad to feel you should have what others have.

I guess.

And yet entitlement seems to be an intrinsic part of North American culture: 'Oh, you don't have the new iphone? What a loser.'...'You bought a new car? This is a newer one'. From a young age, we're taught to want what we can't have, and be envious of who we're not.

Now entitlement can't all be a bad thing...otherwise, how could it still exist? It must somehow have benefited mankind at some point, since it's been selected for over the last few millions years: Ergo, entitlement increases your chances of survival.

Humans wouldn't have been around for long if we sat around saying "Please, big tiger, no, you eat me! I know we're both hungry, but I had lobster last night...so you go ahead..."

Bad example.

So it then makes sense that we have feelings of entitlement...and that we even get jealous of people who have more than we do...because, quite frankly, it's good for you and your survival!

Jealousy, envy, and entitlement are also all linked to upward-social comparisons. And being upper class is something we all strive for...I've never seen a person walk by a homeless man and wish for the hobo's clothes...and really, when was the last time you heard someone say: "You know what I deserve? A shittier job WITH LESS PAY!!!"

And it wouldn't make sense to hear that anyway. If you have less, you're less likely to survive.

So if entitlement is essentially good for your survival...how is it also a disease?

Entitlement works against the community and the populous at large. I could whip out some bullshit figure now, about how 95% of the world's wealth is under the possession of 5% of the people...but I don't really need to. All you gotta do is look around the world and see that humans aren't particularly good at sharing. It's the same thing that makes public health-care a novelty instead of the norm. The arguments are always the same: Why should I pay for yours? What did you do to deserve it?

In a bizarre way, entitlement slowly becomes this weird, wicked, misanthropic attitude. Entitlement blinds us...it makes us incapable of performing acts of benevolence.

At this point, I should probably point out that entitlement and benevolence are pretty much human concepts. I don't think a pack of hyenas considers benevolence, or entitlement for that matter, while they're tearing apart an old ass lion (I don't know if hyenas eat lions, but I think I saw it in the Lion King).

So maybe as a society, and as a human race, we're actually getting better, not worse. Maybe we've evolved from animals that had ZERO benevolence and 100% entitlement (with survival in mind) and we've slowly become...dare I say it...wiser? Kinder? Gentler? Nobler? (Is nobler a word? Fuck).

I know we have wars, and commit horrendous crimes against one another...but maybe the world's not headed to hell in hand basket. Maybe we're actually getting better.

The only thing I'm really basing this on is personal experience. I think entitlement is a very childish sentiment or attitude. We've all been the kid in the candy store.

I want it I want it I want it I want it (No, seriously, I kinda want this).

But I've found that the older I get...the less I feel that way.

Quite frankly, there are very few things that I really want (besides basic human rights...which I'd also like to point out...are human). But of the things that I do want, I don't really feel all that entitled to have any of 'em...so I guess what I'm arguing is that it's probably possible to live without a huge, overbearing sense of entitlement...

But in its defense..entitlement is obviously a tremendous motivator for some people. Like good ole Conan.

-ImNotJulien

Mediocrity Haunts Me

2011-07-04T02:19:00.012-04:00

I sometimes wish I was really good at ONE thing.

Swing and a miss.

Whether it's been sports, music, or academics, I've been pretty mediocre at nearly everything I've ever done.

Piano, hockey, soccer, baseball, volleyball, basketball, school, radio, furniture restoration, handyman work, writing, BMX...I'm average at all of the above.

Sometimes I think it's because I only have a cursory interest in many of these things....whereas some people know exactly what they want to do right out of grade school, or high school.

Not me.

At one point I went to a Toronto Police Q&A. Then I did stand-up for awhile. Then I worked as a garbageman. Then I studied psychology at university.

I was average at all of it.

Don't get me wrong...I'm alright at a lot of different things, but I'm not great at any one thing. Just passable across a multitude, and it's gotten me thinking about mediocrity...

I think a lot of people are probably cursed to be mediocre...actually, come to think of it, a lot of people are cursed to go without potable water (1 billion), shelter (1 in 5 worldwide), and food (900 million), but whatever.

The glass is half empty.

The point is, the rest of us, we're all very alike, because we're all pretty average. Average looks, average height, average weight, average smarts, average everything. Most people are pretty mediocre at their jobs, too.

The people we tend to idolize, however, are those who are exceptional at one thing or another. Musicians, comedians, athletes, artists...they all excel at what they do.

Now some would argue that they are born with an innate talent...and I wouldn't disagree, but there is one great equalizer out there for all us normies: Work ethic.

The problem is, work sucks. God does it ever suck. Working is like the worst thing ever. I love sitting around reading...watching movies...playing video games...doing nothing. Doing nothing is great. But apparently doing nothing doesn't build greatness.

QUIT READIN' AND GET BACK TO WORK!

So if you're mediocre like me, know that it won't be easy to make anything of yourself. You'll have to work harder than everyone else. And that's a tough realization to come to. Nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to hear "Hey, you'll exhaust yourself, and you still might not succeed..."

But I figure it's worth a shot. After all, nobody wants to be mediocre their entire lives. (Some people are probably fine with it, but they're already dead on the inside).

What I start to wonder about though, is whether or not anyone can ever get that chip of mediocrity off their shoulder. I just watched the Foo Fighters documentary, and Dave Grohl talked about how during Nirvana's heyday, none of them ever felt like what they were doing was a big deal...and I guess in a sense, that's what has kept him motivated to make music this whole time. The guy has enough money. He certainly could have quit a long time ago. But obviously he's driven to prove himself, time and again.

Anyway, I don't know how much any of this is worth...but it's food for thought, and there's gotta be worse things than thinking...maybe.

-ImNotJulien

PS - Kind of a mediocre ending to this post...typical me.

Things I Learned From My First Serious Relationship

2011-07-03T01:57:00.019-04:00

~~Nothing! I learned absolutely nothing.~~

I was in a serious, committed relationship for more than 5 years. For nearly four of those years, we lived together. Then we broke up. Here are some things I learned:

1. Always get your significant other a gift. No matter what.

In fact, get them two gifts, just in case. Even if they tell you "I don't want anything."

It's the oldest trick in the book. What they really mean to say is "I am too modest to admit that I like being pampered."

I personally think gifts are bullshit...same with birthdays. I think it feeds into the whole narcissistic North American attitude of self-importance. Don't get me wrong...I don't think there's anything bad about celebrating how special someone is to you, but where I come from, we call that a funeral.

In all seriousness, I find it bizarre that things like birthdays and holidays (such as Christmas, Valentine's Day) even exist. It's almost telling everyone, "On this day, you have to be nice." Isn't that kind of twisted? Shouldn't you always be nice to people? Isn't every day an opportunity to be nice? Is the only way to be nice by buying gifts? Again, more materialistic non-sense.

What's in the box? Why do you care...it's not for you anyway.

I'm not big fan of stuff to begin with, so I guess that makes me even more aloof of the whole situation. In general I'm always trying to get rid of stuff. I hate having lots of stuff. Stuff is a burden. It gets in your way, holds you prisoner, and can actually make you feel vulnerable. It's like when you leave on vacation, you worry about whether somebody will break into your place and steal your every possession. So who possesses what? If you build a castle, are you walling others out? Or are you walling yourself in?

Made-up Maxim: The man who has nothing owns the world ...probably. I wouldn't know, because I still like having some stuff. Like clothes...and computers are kinda neat too.

In any case, just because you're an ideologue, doesn't mean your significant other is. Shut up and buy him/her/it a gift. It makes life a lot easier. I know I goofed a million times by copping out on gifts, or doing the whole "just tell me what you want and I'll pay for it" deal. It doesn't work. Which brings me to my next point:

2. Remember Anniversaries and Shit

The day you first met someone means a lot. Actually it means nothing. But a lot of people like to count the revolutions of the planet earth around the sun and such, and for that reason, you should write down the day you met your significant other. For us, it was October 22nd...or 23rd...or something.

But it's not enough to simply remember. You should plan something romantic. But don't expect to be rewarded with sex. Which brings me to my next point:

3. Don't Expect To Be Rewarded With Sex

We had way more sex before we moved in together. Apparently, the bigger commitment you make to the other person, the less they want to have sex. I think most married couples would agree. And if you have kids? Forget about it. Why? Because...

4. Stress Ruins Everything

The more stressed out and irritable you get...the less likely you are to have sex. And we all know how much you want to have SEX. Stress is a first-rate killer. It's linked to heart disease, cancer, and every other fucking imaginable disease in the world.Therefore, avoid all things that cause stress.

Also, some say money is the root of all evil...so you may want to burn all your cash too.

If that doesn't work, you should at least...

5. Enjoy your work/professional life.

If you have a job you hate, it's gonna bleed over into the relationship.

I hated university. I thought the subjects I took were okay and everything, but I felt like it was a waste of a good four years of my all-too-short life. I could have made the world's largest pizza in that time. I would have easily had enough time to do that.

Missed opportunities.

So make sure whatever you do, you enjoy...but if you can't, at least...

6. Find a Nice Place to Live

We lived in one of Ottawa's shittiest apartments. We had ants. Ants...17 stories up. Our kitchen ceiling was under the building's hot tub. We were setting up pots and pans every few weeks to catch the rusty water and semen leaking down from the men's shower. The elevators were constantly out of service. The power and water were regularly shut off for entire days. Two drug dealers were shot and killed in the lobby...on my birthday (lolwut). It fucking sucked. It made us both miserable, and eventually you start resenting one another for living in such a decrepit pile of shit.

This is an actual picture of the building I lived in. I lived IN there.

Now the good thing is, you can always find a better place to live...and things can also be fixed. Leaky pipes, for example, can be fixed, but...

7. You can't fix people.

People weren't really meant to be fixed anyway.

For some reason I've always been the caretaker type. I felt like I always needed to rescue everybody from their own lives, like I knew what was better for them, and felt it was my duty as a human being to make sure everybody else around me does well.

That shit doesn't really fly in long-term relationships. You never really know what someone is like until you're living with them day in and day out...but once you do find out who they are...don't set your heart on changing them into someone they're not.

Just like the only person that can change you is you, the same applies to everyone else. Either be happy with what you got, or cut your losses and look for someone else. There's no use in banging your up head against the wall, wishing, hoping, and pushing others to change.

People don't change. And when they do change, it's because they want to, not because you want them to.

8. Regrets

There's no doubt I have regrets about the things I did and didn't do. But I don't regret that it ended. First of all, all things must come to an end. Except for rocks. Rocks last forever. So you should consider dating a rock...or if you're lucky, The Rock.

DO YOU SMELLALALALA THE LONG TERM COMMITMENT AND ETERNAL LOVE?

I think it's sad and all that my relationship ended, but one thing I found was that my mother was even sadder. She was all "I thought it was gonna last forever" (which, as we discussed before, is not the case, because only rocks last forever).

9. Conclusion

Even though this list might seem kinda short, I do feel like I learned a lot. I mostly learned about myself. I learned to relax a bit more, and not let stress dictate my life.

If there's one piece of real advice I can offer to anyone, it's that you should try to be happy as often as you can be. I know it sounds like Barney's retarded rhetoric, but I feel it's worth some weight. Life is short, so unless you're getting paid, or having a good time, you may want to think twice about why you do the things you do.

"Be happy...or else I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY"

And embrace the word 'whatever'. It comes in handy both inside AND outside of relationships. It's a great word.

-ImNotJulien

PS - It's also important to appreciate all the things your partner does for you, like if they cook or clean or...whatever.

No Outside Food or Drink: Mayfair Theatre

2011-06-18T02:48:00.007-04:00

I was just turned away from my favourite (now second-favourite) movie theatre (the Mayfair).

Here's how it went down...

No Outside Food or Drink - by ImNotJulien

Of late, it's been humid as all hell, and my attic apartment doesn't have central air...so I thought I'd treat myself. I bought a slurpee on my walk down the theatre. By the time I got there, I had half a slurpee in my hand...I attempted to pay for my ticket, but instead was given an ultimatum: I could throw it out, or step outside, finish it, then come back inside.

Now let me say right away, I understand WHY they don't want you to bring in outside food or drink. They would rather you buy similar goods from their own establishment. I understand and sympathize with this 100%. Showing movies is expensive, and a lot of their money is made back at the concession stand. I get that. The spirit of the law is sound. It makes good business sense.

However, it's a policy that shouldn't be enforced by the letter, and here's why:

Option #1 - Step outside, ingest, come right back: Isn't this the exact same thing as bringing it inside, minus the wrapper/cup/can? I'm just bringing it inside...my stomach.

So I can't bring my slurpee into the movie theatre, but I can pound it in the parking lot, step inside the door, now with the slurpee INSIDE my body (fulfilling it's purpose), and then see the movie?

Here's an idea: As opposed to standing outside getting brain freeze from ingesting a previously purchased 600mL slurpee...how about I pay for my ticket and sit inside watching the trailers?

Here's a cool side-effect for the theatre: Allowing patrons to watch the trailers may lead them to seeing more movies at your establishment, hence making you more money down the line.

But, apparently that wouldn't do tonight.

Instead, it was suggested that I go outside, finish my drink, miss the trailers (including the delightful "Let's all go to the lobby" propaganda) come back inside, and then what? I'll be full of drink and won't want, nor need, to buy one of your drinks? How does that make business sense?

I hate to have to make this painfully obvious, but why, if I chugged half a slurpee (now a full slurpee in my belly), would I even bother to buy a drink once I got inside? And here's more bad news: Being told to take it outside, doesn't not make me want to give your establishment any money at all. In fact, it's quite difficult for me to spend money inside your establishment, from the outside.

Now, with all that being said, I have been a loyal patron of this independent movie theatre for almost five years. Nearly every time I've gone, I've purchased their ridiculously overpriced popcorn and pop (without ice, "Sorry, the machine's broken!").

I understand that without my support, they wouldn't exist at all so I don't mind dropping 15 bones every time I go there because I like the place and I want it to stay around.

But after 5 years, you still can't let me in with half a slurpee?

The Kicker:
I almost hesitate to bring this up, but my ex-girlfriend used to work at a bakery down the street from the Mayfair. Every so often, they'd have surplus goods at the end of the day. Rather than throw it out (which seems to be a popular trend, see Part 2), she would bring the staff the baked goods: muffins, pies, scones, cookies, everything and anything in between. She never did it because she expected something in return, but rather because she thought, "Why waste the food, why not share it? You know? Celebrate wealth...as opposed to encouraging waste?" (See Part 2)

The reason I bring this up is eventually, the staff started telling her, "You can go in for free, you don't have to pay, that pie was delicious, thank you so much." Of course, she refused, but it does make me wonder why they were fine with forfeiting a $6 admission...why would they do that? Isn't that a far more gross violation than the No Food/Drink policy? Shouldn't their employees be requiring all movie-goers pay to see the movies? Isn't that kind of rule #1 of working at a movie theatre?

But they would insist on letting her in for free...I'm guessing so they could get more treats, or show their appreciation?

Meanwhile, I've got half a slurpee valued at $1.91 in my possession, and I can't pay THEM $6 to get in?

So let me get this straight: Give staff food, you get in for free. But if you're going to pay to see the movie, you better forget about that slurpee?

Once again: Feed them, and they'll refuse to take your money...but if you feed yourself, you better take it outside! Does that even remotely make any sense?

It doesn't. And I'll tell you why. Because it's hypocrisy. They were willing to forget about their most important policy (taking money for admission) because it was self-serving. I guess their sign should read "No Outside Food/Drink, unless it's for us".

So to review: I can't get in with half a slurpee during the trailers, because it might be bad business ("Why should patrons see the trailers? So they can know what movies are coming up? So they can come back? Fuck that! Let him drink on the sidewalk!"). But, apparently accepting food in return for free admission is good business. If we lived in a bartering society, I guess I would understand it.

So in the end, I took what was left of my drink, and my dignity, and my money, and walked home.
________________

It's all kind of confusing because the Mayfair Theatre, and it's programmers, consider themselves to be in it for 'the little guy'. They make a point at every turn to tell all their patrons: "Hey fuck the big corporations, don't go to Cineplex! Fuck 3D, they're gouging you! They don't care about you! Here at the Mayfair, we actually care about the movie going experience..." but I guess even that's a bit of a line of bullshit.

I can't say I'm real angry. Quite frankly, this will be filed under W for 'Whatever'...or maybe U for 'Unsurprising'.

I understand their policy...I just think it's retarded, and hypocritical, considering what I have witnessed my own eyes.

What I will ask though, is that if you're in the service industry, your job is about making sure people have an enjoyable experience, and want to return...especially if you work at a movie theatre. For all the posturing and grandstanding the Mayfair does, they're really no different than any other big box movie theatre.

I'm not asking for them to let me in with a five-course meal. I'm asking them to use some judgment.
___________

All too often people go by the letter of the law, as opposed to the spirit. It's the same thing as a jaywalking tickets, left-turn arrows (hear the explanation), or speed traps. They don't improve society, they just impede it. It takes an enjoyable drive, and turns it into an aggravating afternoon fighting a bullshit ticket in court. [I know nobody in Ottawa reading this will be able to relate, because I've never seen a single soul getting a speeding ticket in this town (or even seen a speed trap in Ottawa)...but I'm from Toronto, where the police have quotas, and they're waiting for you to hit 41 in a 40km/h zone.]

If the driving analogy doesn't hit home, just think of it as the sign that says "Washroom for paying customers only". What would you do? Steal the toilet paper? Piss without lifting the lid? Is there no sympathy for people who have to take an untimely shit or piss? Is society better when a guy pisses in a restaurant bathroom, or when he pisses on the restaurant's doorstep? This is about common sense, and life being too damn short.

I will admit it was easy for me to step away from the Mayfair without giving them my money this time. I used to own the movie they were showing and I was already pretty tired to begin with (late screening, muggy weather). But we cold have all walked away happy. I would have gladly gone in with half my slurpee, purchased a ticket, watched the trailers, and bought a medium size popcorn as they've seen me do countless times over the last five years. They would have had an extra $10.50 in their coffers, and I would have been happy to know that the place isn't run by mindless automatons and self-serving hypocrites looking for the next free muffin.

So here's some all around advice to anybody still reading:

If you're bringing in "outside" food or drinks. Conceal it! They won't check your person (it's not 1984...yet).
A bottle is always better than a can.
Eat and drink before you get there (which is the same thing as bringing in "outside" food and drink anyway), and make sure you bring a plastic bag! Then head to the washroom, throw up your food and drink into the plastic bag, and enjoy snacking during the movie! If you can ingest your food in it's original packaging (styrofoam take out containers, vacuum sealed bags), it really makes the whole thing more enjoyable.
If you go to a concert or event and they tell you "You're not allowed outside food or drink," make sure you don't hand it over. 95% of security guards can't tie their own shoe laces, and don't know how prepare a brownbag lunch. Instead, they confiscate your shit and eat it after you're gone. Apparently bottled beverages are the weapon of choice for your everyday terrorist. So instead of handing over that 6-pack of Coca Cola, pour it out on the grass and toss it in the garbage. It's one thing to obey retarded quasi-police states, it's another thing to be feeding and supporting their goons.
If you work in the service industry, or really anywhere for that matter, try to remember the spirit of the law, as opposed to the letter of the law. I guess that's really just advice for humans in general. I'm not advocating anarchy. I'm not advocating disregard for laws and rules. I'm encouraging active thinking. Think about what rules matter. If you're going to stand firm on an issue, make sure it's one that makes common sense.

And finally, if you're going see a movie, you actually SHOULD go to the Mayfair. They have one of the most beautiful theatres I've ever been to, and the people in charge of programming do a top notch job of picking great cult and niche films. There's only a few other places where you'll be able to see any of these films on 35mm. Plus, they are very supportive of independent films.

Part 2: Why didn't you just throw it out?

In a sense I'm relieved that hungry people from third world nations can't see how much food we waste on a daily basis because wasting food seems to be an epidemic in North America. Isn't it something like a billion people don't have clean drinking water? That's pretty fucked up. We're pretty fucked up. And I think it's embarrassing.

I understand that me throwing out half a slurpee won't change the world. But I think it's more the attitude that bothers me. When an employee for the Mayfair (or any business for that matter) says, "You should just throw it out," aren't they just advocating waste? I've already bought the drink. I can't turn back the hands of time. Your solution is disposal? I wasn't around during the Depression, or War time for that matter, but I guarantee you nobody would suggest such a thing back then.

I guess if anything, you can tell the economy really is doing pretty well when some automaton recommends throwing out perfectly good food (I will admit, it is debatable as to whether half a slurpee falls into the category of "good food").

But that's the principle that really bothers me. They're dangling a carrot. "You can only see the movie behind these doors, AND only if you throw out that drink". They're enticing you, inviting you, but only if you're willing to engage in reprehensible behaviour (waste).

I guess for most people in first world countries, it wouldn't really matter. Most people have enough money for another drink, and most people probably don't give a fuck in the first place. But small shit does matter. You never know when things may take a turn for the worse, and all of sudden you wished you'd been more careful, more aware, more prepared, etc.
____________

This is the part of the blog where I admit my responsibility in the matter. I didn't plan my time very well, and I should have gotten the slurpee before going to the bank. Then, I probably would have finished slurping my slurpee by the time I got to the ticket booth.

If only I had done so. Lesson learned.

But it never hurts to question authority.

Love,
- J-Sleezy

THiNGS THAT DON'T SUCK ASS: Workaholics

2011-06-13T00:51:00.012-04:00

I haven't posted on here in over a year, but I now finally have some free time (by that I mean I'm unemployed).

The guys from Workaholics (new Comedy Central series, just wrapped up Season 1) have a really cool story. I listened to the Adam Carolla podcast with Adam Devine and Blake Anderson where they explained how for 4-5 years they slaved away doing youtube videos (under the name Mail Order Comedy) getting next-to-no hits. Most videos would get a couple thousand views, which for anyone keeping score, ain't shit when it comes to Youtube popularity. It's really too bad because a lot of their videos are nothing short of fucking hilarious:

The substitute teacher? Spot on.

Eventually, a buddy of theirs mentioned they had office space that the guys could shoot in, and so with a little money (which I believe was provided by 5thYear.com) they shot the comedy web-series called '5th Year':

5th Year Episode #1 - The Promotion - watch more funny videos

They shot 5 of these shorts, posted them to funnyordie.com and guess what? Nobody watched them. Even to this day, the videos have between 1,000 - 3,000 views. Fortunately for them, one of the few people to actually come across their 5th Year web-series was a Comedy Central exec:

Executive may not appear exactly as shown.

The rest as they say is history. The 5th Year web-series acted pretty much as their pilot, the exec asked if they could produce a show based off what he saw (or what she saw, but let's be honest, he) (I'm kidding) (Am I?) The guys said yes, and now you have what I find to be the best single camera comedy on television.

Three episodes into their first season they were renewed for a second ten-episode season. To make the whole thing even cooler, since 3 of the 4 guys live in the house that's used on the show, Comedy Central pays their rent! No bumper-to-bumper traffic to get to work on the freeway! No first and last month's deposit! No privacy!

I will admit I might be biased for loving this show as much as I do (Ders drives a Volvo, albeit not as cool as my burgundy 1990 240DL) but the show does work on multiple levels. For one thing, the three main characters aren't all the same guy. You've got the spaced-out hippy-dippy Blake, the amped-up-jock Adam, and the preppy-uptight Ders (swam 20 point in college). You've also got some great secondary characters: the boss lady plays her role to perfection; Montez is the shit (not literally); director/co-creator Kyle Newachek plays the drug dealer; and even the fat chick in the office is funny. Throw it all together and you've got what I hope will be a mainstay on Comedy Central (and the Comedy Network in Canada).

Now, some detractors might call this stoner-broseph comedy, and maybe it is...honestly, dude, I wouldn't know since I'm way too fucking high right now.

Actually, it's quite the opposite, I don't smoke, or even drink for that matter (does that make me cool?), but I still find the show to be thoroughly enjoyable AND relate-able (if that's even a fucking word). If you're male, between 15-35, chances are you have friends like the Workaholics crew. Heck, you might even have friends like the Workaholics crew if you're a lady or a transgender type, what the hell do I know? (Everything.)

If there's anything that works against the show, it's that the show is heavily story-driven, and sometimes the story just doesn't pan out. Episode 10 (The Line of Getting Fired) is probably the weakest episode of the bunch. With that being said Checkpoint Gnarly is what The Hangover should have been: funny.

Hot boxing with God?! B-RAD IS RAD

In fact now that I look at the other episodes, they're all top notch too.

My picks:

For the Office Space fans (and let's be honest, Office Space is pretty much the reason a show like this can exist today [Mike Judge is a genius]) check out 'The Promotion' and 'Piss and Shit'
For the basketball fan, check out 'We Be Ballin'
And for the miscellanea crowd, check out the rest of the episodes, they're worth your time.

Why should you take my word on this? Because I hardly ever watch TV.

70% of TV sucks, and that's a generous figure. Also, I gotta give props to any writing team that can feature Juggalos in an episode, without just going for the cheap, easy laugh.

Workaholics

Wednesdays at 10:30/9:30c

Partying With the Juggalos

www.comedycentral.com

Comedy Central

TV Shows

Comedy Videos

Faygo libtarion for ODB?! Well done, lads.

Honestly, keep your eyes peeled for the these four guys.

If you're skeptical, don't bunch them in with the Lonely Island crew just yet. Lonely Island release horrible movies, their rap albums suck, not to mention they try WAY too hard on their SNL shorts. Fucking Lonely Island hacks.

Where was I? Right! THiNGS THAT DON'T SUCK ASS: Workaholics.

- J-Sleazy, host of Moon Down Radio on 93.1FM in Ottawa, Canada

P.S. One of their writers is from firejoemorgan.com so you know this shit is 2-legit-2-quit.

Doodle Dursday #51 - Birthday Bash

2009-12-03T00:01:00.003-05:00

Last week, I celebrated my 21st birthday in style.

My parents rented out Zany Zola's Zoo and Fun Zouse.

There were many animals present.

My favourite was the penguin:

A very handsome penguin no homo.

There was also a ball pit:

A ball and hoop game:

And birthday cake:
I had a great time!!!

Thanks Mom and Dad!

-JS

Doodle Dursday #50 - Fa Fa Floli

2009-11-26T00:01:00.002-05:00

It's my birthday tomorrow.

What are the odds that I would be turning the big 5-0 the same week as Doodle Dursday's 50th edition.

In any case, I haven't had much of a chance to work on this week's Doodle Dursday.

Guess you could say I pulled a Baba Booey.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #49 - Self-Stimulation

2009-11-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the Loveline Stream the other day,
and the topic came up of women pleasuring themselves in the tub.
Apparently some women will position themselves under the faucet
which stimulates their nether regions.

I wonder if using a high pressure shower head would increase the arousal felt,
but I imagine it would be difficult to maintain such a position.

If such a position doesn't work out,
I guess women can always resort to using the FUCK BOX:

Phuck yes.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #48 - Burger World

2009-11-12T00:01:00.001-05:00

Last week was the first time I ate at Burger World.

It's just a crappy knock-off of McDonald's,

only Burger World claims to have "ample parking space."

You call 6 spots "ample"??!!!?

What's worse is all their characters are just lamer versions of our old favourites.

Instead of Ronald McDonald, you get Yegor the Laffman:
Instead of Grimace, you get Chagrin:
Instead of the Hamburgler, you get a Child Molester:
And the menu is pretty lousy too.
Instead of a Fillet-o-Fish,
they just give you a fish:

I guess I would eat there again if I absolutely had to. The end.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #47 - Odds and Ends

2009-11-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

First off the top,

People, throw out your rotten pumpkins. Enough is enough.

_________________

Now something completely unrelated.

My sister sent me an email asking me to do a doodle portrait of her, so here it is:

I'm stoopid!

That's for kicking sand in my face 13 years ago at Port Elgin, you jerk!

Forgive, but never forget...never forget...or forgive.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #46 - Halloween Costumes

2009-10-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

Having a hard time picking out a costume?

Here are some simple suggestions, good for any Hallowiener:

Ninja: All you need are some black clothes and a balaclava.

Douchebag Skier: Grab some goggles and hit the slopes. You douchebag.

Koopa Troopa: Hit the 'A' button to jump on his head, then hold the two triggers and press the Start button to wear this cool mask.

Homeless Clown: Drink a 40, then apply face paint.

___________

No matter what you do this Halloween, make sure you don't end up like this:

Unacceptable.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #45 - NHL Brutus

2009-10-22T00:01:00.003-04:00

My friend Brutus is gonna be playing in his first NHL game soon.
He's gonna be playing for the Boston Bruins...#7

He got on the team by putting his name on the
sign-up sheet outside the locker room:
Thanks to his lucrative contract he was able to buy a badass 4 x 4:
Leather interior:
He's living the life, man!

-JS

Doodle Dursday #44 - Lamp Social Pt. 2

2009-10-15T00:01:00.001-04:00

No flames allowed.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #43 - Lamp Social Pt. 1

2009-10-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

-JS

Doodle Dursday #42 - John Wilkes Booth Auction

2009-10-01T00:01:00.004-04:00

Quite recently, the Booth family estate gave numerous items to a charity auction (Widowers of Dead Presidents).

In order to commemorate the 145th anniversary of John Wilkes Booth's 1864 ten day trip to Montreal, we're showcasing the cream of the crop up for auction:

This boot was worn on the day of Lincoln's assassination.

This sneaker was worn during a tennis match with Major Harry Gem.

Mr Booth shoveled his driveway every winter morning in style with these galoshes.

This moccasin was stolen from Chief Slowfoot.

This is where John Wilkes Booth made 'Baba Booey' prank calls.

His casket, or 'Death Booth' as it were.

Bag of $100, $20, and $10 bills. Oddly enough, no $5 bills.

Professional thespian, Mr Booth would mute programs and fill in the dialog himself,
much like that game they played on 'Whose Line is it Anyway?'

Thanks to new technology, what was originally a painful procedure
carried out by a kicking mule became a walk in the park.

John Wilkes Booth's favourite song to play was Jethro Tull's "Aqualung".

Registered twice as high on the Stink-O-Meter when compared to Robert E. Lee's fecal matter.

Mr Booth was a 36 C.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #41 - At the Farm

2009-09-24T00:01:00.001-04:00

The other day, me and my friend Jamshed went to the farm.

Jamshed was having a bad shirt day.

The farm was located on the outskirts of Ottawa.

We were greeted by Farmer Dan:

He was excited to see us.

But the only thing to do at the farm is play 'Wheelbarrow of Fortune'.

Me and Jamshed are never going back.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #40 - Fairy Tales

2009-09-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

One step ahead of the rest, Jack and the Businessstalk.

Bugs don't know Jack, cause Bugs can't rap.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #39 - Ostrich Race

2009-09-10T19:30:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that next Monday I'll be racing an ostrich in my car at the Rideau Carleton Raceway.

It should look something like this, only with me in a car:

Whoever wins gets this tie:

That bird is going down.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #38 - Limbs

2009-09-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

I was recently cleaning out my parent's garage
and I stumbled upon a chair with four human legs.

What an odd discovery.

I decided to put these extra limbs to good use.
I chopped off the feet, and attached the legs to my left arm.
This made my left arm extra long.

Perfect for the diamond.

We gettin' all Go-Go Gadget up in this motherfucker.

Perfect for the hardwood.

Shagville O'Malley ain't got shit on me!

The only problem is now I have the seat-part of the chair leftover.
$10 O.B.O.

-JS

Outhouse Hero: Aug '09

2009-08-31T00:25:00.000-04:00

This month, yadda yadda yadda, yadda goes to RiFF RAFF:

RiFF RAFF is a retarded wanker / fake rapper. He's the embodiment of everything stupid in rap or hip hop culture, all rolled up in one white trash piece of shit.

I guess he came into the public eye through the MTV show, G's 2 Gents or something. I've never seen the show, but it sounds awful.

Here's RiFF RAFF shadowboxing in his bachelor apartment:

Here's RiFF RAFF telling a story about how he knew Kanye West in high school (riiiight):

A couple months ago, someone sent me his cell phone number to prank call. I tried getting through a bunch of times, but always got his answering machine:

I don't usually condone violence, especially with all the bloodshed between Biggie and Tupac, but I think an east coast rapper should feel free to kill this idiot.

RiFF RAFF, go fuck yourself.

And congratulations.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #37 - Poke-Battle

2009-08-27T00:01:00.002-04:00

This summer I started working at a local kids camp.

I was surprised to learn Pokemon were still very popular with the young lads.

On Monday, little Randy came up to me and challenged me to a poke-battle.

RANDY GON WIN YAAAYYY YAAAYYY

He quickly pulled out his pokeball
and tossed it with a flick of his limp-noodle wrist.

POKEBALL GO GO NOW!

A flash of white light came from within.
Out popped a Bugazord!

I became overjoyed.
I had something in my pocket which would easily win me the battle.

I'm happy! Hee heee.

It was an egg.

But not just any egg.

It was a radioactive egg.

Fuck that pokeball shit.

Little Randy no longer has eyebrows.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #36 - Money Money

2009-08-20T00:01:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been going through a lot of ups and downs.
I cycle from euphoria to depression at the drop of a dime.

This has landed me right at the corner of Loser Way...

...penniless and face down in the gutter.

In order to alleviate my financial woes, I've decided to create my own monetary currency.
Introducing, the Julien Dollar:

Actual value not yet determined.

-JS

Moonrappin' Tonight!

2009-08-14T20:26:00.000-04:00

Tonight at 11PM is the beginning of a new era in radio. Moonrappin' brings Cooley and Creed to destroy the airwaves. I'll be answering phones at 613-562-5967 and third wheelin' on the microphone.

"Driving, Traffic, accidents etc...
We all have a story...you know you do...so get it in to us the night of the show or email us @ talk@moonrappin.com and we will read your story... crazy night lined up in the new timeslot, working on some celebrity spots from some friends.

Moonrappin the driving show-coming up Friday the 14th 11pm on www.chuo.fm and you can catch it live here. once I figure it out I will pod cast if on our site too...

good times ahead."

Tune in, sit back, relax, call in, and enjoy talk radio done right.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #35 - My Dog Bob

2009-08-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

A few years back, I had a dog named Bob.

But he got struck by lightning. Which is sad.

What's worse is the lightning turned him into a dinosaur who eats human heads.

Bob and I are no longer on speaking terms.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #34 - Alien Abduction

2009-08-06T12:01:00.001-04:00

Okay, so last night I had a crazy dream that I was abducted by aliens.

I did some searching around on the internet, and found that someone else had almost the exact same experience about a year ago.

Here's the news story:

I'm sorry that it's not in English, so I think I'll try to translate the story so that everyone can understand.

So this chick in the video right, she was all smiling and shit:

When she saw a cyclone of light descend from the sky:

The cyclone sucked her up to a space command unit:

Where an alien probed her:

And they turned her into a pigeon.

Scary stuff.

Thank god for me it was only a nightmare, and not a reality.

Let me just check the mirror...AAAHHHHHHHH I'VE GOT A PIGEON HEAD... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-JS

wamerilyz calls Wilde's

2009-08-01T12:59:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, somethingawful.com writer Seth "Occupy Japan" Bailey posted this video on his Awfulvision column:

This prompted 'Spokles' or 'wamerilyz' or 'WAMER2000' to respond with this video:

Which then prompted me to make a soundboard, and call Wilde's, "the premiere gay video rental/sales store in Ottawa":

Check out the rest of ILY's fantastic work on his youtube accounts:
http://www.youtube.com/user/wamerilyz
http://www.youtube.com/wamer2000

-JS

Outhouse Hero: July '09

2009-07-31T12:03:00.000-04:00

Well. it's that time of the month again. We must crown a new Outhouse Hero, and this time, one pair of kids stood above the rest. Congratulations go out to Rob and Cole, great job guys!

Rob and Cole, the hosts of wacky world wide webshow The Rob and Cole Show, are a dynamic duo pushing the envelope of online entertainment. It's a barrel o' laffs. From Hide 'n' Seek to Would You Rather? Rob and Cole will have you rolling on the floor with laughter (rotfwl). Check out some of their fine work:

Rob @ 2:30 - "The Daytonna 500 was rained out today, which sucks." BWAHAHAH

I cut up audio from some of their finer moments and rang up a few houses:

If you hate your life, you can check out all Rob and Cole related material here:

New Rob and Cole Movie out Aug. 5th. I can hardly wait.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #33 - Yo-yo Skills

2009-07-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

If you want to be the center of attention among your friends, you should acquire some mad yo-yo skills.

People love a good yo-yoer.

Here's a video to help you get started:

Also, remember:

If you want to look really cool, use your yo-yo while wearing a painted turtle t-shirt. Badass.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #32 - Infomercials + Angry Shovels

2009-07-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

One of my favourite hobbies is watching infomercials. From Ron Popeil to Mr T, infomercials have made stars out of regular people like you and T.

George Foreman was very popular for a few years on TV, and I wondered what he had been up to since releasing his Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine aka The George Foreman Grill.

3 easy payments and 1 complicated payment - Mitch Hedberg

Well, just last night, I saw him back on the small screen, promoting a new product called The Angry Shovel:

I'll kills ya!

Here's what you can do with it:

I'm not sure how much it costs, but it seems well worth it.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #31 - Birth Defect

2009-07-16T12:07:00.001-04:00

Those who know me well, know that I was "blessed" with a birth defect.

Can you spot the deformity?

From birth, not only were most of my teeth missing, I also had a heart malfunction. Below is an actual picture of my heart. That's how screwed up it is!

And that, my friends, is the reason I live in a shoe.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #30 - Space Travel

2009-07-09T08:04:00.000-04:00

Do you have what it takes to travel through space and time?

NASA's website states that in order to be cleared for a mission, you must qualify under three categories:

1. Are you smart?

Glasses are a sign of intelligence.

2. Are you handsome?

Wavy hair is a sign of handsomeness.

3. Do you have big ears?

Big ears is a sign of big ears.

If you answered Yes to all 3 questions, you are qualified to be a Spacenaut.

Go forth and multiply throughout the cosmos!

-JS

Youtube Baggage 5

2009-07-05T00:14:00.003-04:00

The fifth and final installment of Youtube Baggage is here, for the rest click here.

___________________________________

...but for now I'd like to buy a vowel.

___________________________________

HEYOOOOOO!
___________________________________

Well, you know I hate to refer to people with Asperger's Syndrome as 'Aspies', but when in Rome...
___________________________________

Tic Tacs?
___________________________________

Yes, I too would rather have debilitating disorder as opposed to being from Ireland. It's just good common sense.

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 5

2009-07-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 5 - I've got an app for ya...in my pants.

If you use facebook at all, you have to spend at least 2-3 minutes a day clearing out your inbox of messages from people who want you to try every new application from SuperPoke to ExtraPoke to PokeThis.

Our very own in-house facebook predator George Hagel has a unique way of dealing with such spam. He engages them using his strongest muscle...his loins:

You better damn well believe George will "cum" join your kingdom. Knowwhaimsaying?

Of course, as always, persistence is the key:

OH NO! She's onto George's trail.

Or is she really?

George is a master of many disguises, and a quick thinker to boot:

And thus ends our 5 part mini-series with George. We hope you've learned a thing or two about hunting tail on the net, and we'll see you out there on the prowl.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #29 - Bird Man

2009-07-02T00:01:00.001-04:00

There's a park nearby that I enjoy frisbeein' at.

I always see a nice-looking old man sitting on a bench feeding birds.

The birds seem to enjoy his company.

Sometimes they will strike up a conversation, debating which bird songs are the best.

Is there really any doubt which bird song is the best?

It's clearly Kenny G's 'Song Bird':

Ahhhh...that takes me back to every strip mall I've ever been to.

Top that! You stupid owl!

-JS

Outhouse Hero: June '09

2009-06-30T21:25:00.001-04:00

It's the end of the month, and you know what that means...rent is due.

Also, it's time to give out ao27.com's prestigious Outhouse Hero Award for the month of June 2009.

This month's winner is...UNORGANIZED RELIGION!

A couple months ago, I was channel flipping through the six channels I get through my rabbit ears hookup when I got drawn into the world of unorganized religion.

If you find the major religions too strict, boring, or lacking that certain something or je ne sais quoi, the CTS weekend schedule is chock-full of new fake religions with that new fake religion smell.

Take for example Apostle A. Lobban's 'The Greater Bethlehem Deliverance Ministry":

Apparently, yelling is the only way god will hear their prayers.

Now if you'd actually like to get into heaven, you could join Rhema Christian Ministries, where priests throw down funky dance moves while re-creating every scene from the award-winning "Friday the 13th" motion picture series:

Fake churches, fake leaders, congratulations and keep up the good fight, you truly are Outhouse Heroes!

-JS

Moonrappin' Tonight 1-3 AM

2009-06-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

Hey, I'm gonna be guest-hosting on Moonrappin' from 1-3AM tonight with Sean Cooley.

The topic is superheroes, so if you have anything at all to say, please don't hesitate to call us at 613-562-5967

Listen to the stream here in real and mp3 format: www.chuo.fm

-JS

Youtube Baggage 4

2009-06-28T00:01:00.003-04:00

I disagree. Killa C is a legitimate rap artist and void of any stupid gimmicks.
_________________

I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about my mother that way.

And the answer is yes.
_________________

Trousers.
_________________

Engineers are the life of the party.
_________________

I use Velcro.

Review: Dan Quinn Police Records

2009-06-27T00:01:00.003-04:00

The other day on the somethingawful forums, THEY ROB posted a link to Dan Quinn's police record from the Superior Court of California, County of Sacramento website.

Dan doesn't like to talk about his past arrests too much, but in this video, he explains some of the history, starts at around 4 mins:

Here's the breakdown:

Select	Case Number	Filing Date	Court ID
	04F03802	04/21/2004	34100
	04M03286	03/23/2004	34470
	99M02337	03/02/1999	34470
	98F10763	12/11/1998	34100
	98M07427	06/02/1998	34470
	97M02331	02/25/1997	34470
	93F01326	02/17/1993	34470
	91M13639	11/27/1991	34470

On November 27th, 1991: Dan Quinn was charged on two counts of battery.
On January 8th, 1992: Dan Quinn was dismissed of both counts.

On February 17th, 1993: Dan Quinn was charged with one felony count of possession of a controlled substance; and on one misdemeanor count of concealable weapon possession.
On March 16th, 1993: Dan Quinn plead guilty to the misdemeanor count, and was sentenced to a 1-year informal probation, and served 15 days in custody.
On November 3rd, 1993: Dan Quinn's felony charge was dismissed.

On February 25th, 1997: Dan Quinn was charged with marijuana possession, and possession of a controlled substance.
On February 26th, 1997: Dan Quinn plead guilty to possession of a controlled substance, and was sentenced to 3 years of supervised probation under the Sheriff's Work Project. He also spent 2 months in custody.

On June 2nd, 1998: Dan Quinn was charged with two misdemeanor counts of assault (an unlawful attempt, coupled with a present ability, to commit a violent injury on the person of another).
On October 9th, 1998: Dan Quinn spent 10 days in police custody for violation of his parole. Both misdemeanor counts were dismissed.

On February 16th, 1999: Dan Quinn was charged with two felony counts. One for concealable weapons charge and another for evading a police officer.
On March 18th, 1999: Dan Quinn was sentenced to a 5-year formal probation in a Work Furlough program, which was downgraded to Sheriff's Work Program on June 4, 1999; and spent 5 months in jails.

On March 2nd, 1999: Dan Quinn was charged with domestic violence/spousal abuse.
On March 18th, 1999: The charge was dismissed.

On March 23rd, 2004: Dan Quinn was again charged with one felony count of domestic violence/spousal abuse, and one PC 422 count for willfully threatening to commit a crime which will result in death or great bodily injury of an immediate family member.
On June 1st, 2005: Dan Quinn was sentenced to 3 years probation, and 79 days in prison, straight time.

...AND NOW YOU KNOW!

-JS

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 4

2009-06-26T00:01:00.003-04:00

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 4 - Inbox Intimacy

If you're having a tough time grabbing the attention of ladies, George suggests taking a stab in the dark.

Why not randomly PM complete strangers until you get one hooked, lined and sinkered?

Attaboy George!

George was able to add Charlene as a friend, and now the real seducing begins:

George learned from the master:

Next time we'll take a look at how George turns those annoying people who send app-invites into his own personal sex slaves.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #28 - Sewage Spill

2009-06-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

Last summer, some raw sewage leaked into the Ottawa River.

Scientists always say that you have to wait a few years to see what the effects are in nature.

It's now almost a year later, and the devastation is palpable.

This is a fish taken directly out of the Ottawa river. It has five eyes!

This ant was taken from a nearby pasture. It has six legs! And a full head of hair!

This bird was found in my backyard. It looks pretty rough!

This is my next door neighbour. He's crazy!

Halloween pumpkins have remained relatively unharmed.

No one knows why.

-JS

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 3

2009-06-24T00:01:00.004-04:00

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 3 - Messageboard Mania

George will be the first one to tell you that message boards are a great place to cruise for hot delectable women.

Feel free to start up your own thread:

FIRST!

Or join in on someone else's discussion. Here we find George in a thread titled "Facebook chatters I miss that haven't posted in a long time":

Having a catchphrase, much like a superhero, is a surefire way to get chicks.
As noted above, George's calling card is:

George Hagel: Master of the Female Species
Because I Smear them with Feces

Ladies can hardly resist.

And finally...always, ALWAYS mark your territory:

Join us again for Part 4 as George swoops in for the kill through lyrical prose, as he seduces Charlene via Facebook.

-JS

Review: Johnson+Johnson Band-Aid Adhesive Bandages

2009-06-23T00:01:00.004-04:00

Recently I had the misfortune of getting a cut on my leg (deep-rooted emotional problems, don't ask).

In order to stop the bleeding, I decided to use an adhesive bandage.

A few weeks later, I decided it was about time to pull off the band-aid, but when I did so, I underwent incredible amounts of crippling pain shooting up my leg.

This stupid Johnson+Johnson Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage tore off a bunch of my leg hair.

And I had just gotten my leg hair to look the way I wanted! I hope it grows back in time for prom.

You can imagine the pain I went through. Actually, you'll kinda have to, this picture came out blurry.

I'll see you in court, Johnson+Johnson. If anyone wants to double-team them for some class-action lawsuit gang-bangin', drop a comment.

-JS

Edit- I give it a 0 out of 8. These sucked. Fabric bandages are way better because they sorta fall apart when they get wet. Amirite? Heck yes.

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 2

2009-06-22T00:01:00.003-04:00

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 2 - Groups 4 Groupies

George, you handsome old dog. How the hell are ya?

Single? We'll be sure to change that in no time.

Every internet predator should update their facebook status to show off their emotional side:

Profile Editor: Remember to stay hip by using the latest catchphrases:

Wazzup?
Cowabunga!
Where's the beef?
I have a small penis.

The next thing any internet predator will want to do is join a facebook group.

George has found just the place that's geared towards old-timers like himself:

"No way!You're not in your 30's/40's or 50's" Club for Sharing Information."

A quick glance at the Wall shows oldies are desperate for any action they can get:

Funkytown? More like fun-kytown. Knowwhaimsayin?

The group was looking for an admin, so George jumped at the opportunity. Other groups currently looking for admins are:

The Crotch Fungus Association of America (CFAA)
"My fingers are too fat to type legiblakjlref an ksdasdn nasdj"
Webbed Toes on Nasty Hoes
"I created this group based on a lame premise."

Being an admin allows you to gain unprecedented power to lure lovely luscious ladies. George realizes the best way to get some action is by hosting a bitchin' ass party:

AWWwwwWWW YEA

We about to get this shit started:

Although I personally was never able to make it out to the party, I did hear through the grapevine a kind of rustling noise but then I realized it was probably the wind or something.

Check back with us again for Part 3 as we continue to follow George's adventures through Facebook...up next...the All-Too-Forgettable Facebook Message Boards.

-JS

Youtube Baggage 3

2009-06-21T00:01:00.005-04:00

Also known as the 'Nicholas Cage' look.

Who can blame him.

Touché, phillip28. Touché.

Well, that is a mighty enticing offer.

Out of all the deities, I fear Faggot God the most.
I hope he doesn't hate me. He is a vengeful god.

Doodle Dursday #27 - Pig Talent

2009-06-18T00:06:00.000-04:00

I've always wondered why Jews don't eat pork.

A good friend of mine told me that it's because pigs are extremely intelligent.

He also said that not only are they really smart, they are also superb musicians.

Oinky in the Key of G minor.

The proofs:

I think I may stop eating pork too, at the risk of killing another Piggy Van Halen.

-JS

Obscure Celebrity Look-A-Likes

2009-06-17T01:08:00.000-04:00

Well-known comedian Artie Lange used to look like...

...hardly-known comedian Chris Kazarian.

TV personality Spencer "Spenny" Rice would look just like...

...David Schwimmer if he had Down Syndrome (courtesy of Kenny Hotz).

Stand-up comedian Louis C.K. looks just like...

...the devil. HE DA DEBIL LORDY GOD SAVE US ALL!!!

NHL blue-liner Rob Blake looks just like...

...writer/producer extraordinaire Derek Harvie.

Nitwit and all-around boob Ernest P. Worrell looks like...

...a 1940s catcher's mitt.

-JS

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 1

2009-06-16T01:40:00.010-04:00

This is my friend George.

He's new to the internet. He's decided to sign up for Facebook, because all his friends are either dead or in jail.

It is always customary for a new user such as George to state his or her intent or goals.

George decides the best place for this is the "Looking For Missing Persons" group:

Now that George has laid out the proverbial bait, he must sit back and wait for a woman to initiate a courtship:

A starving cougar has come out of the thick jungle we call the web. Obviously she was unable to resist George's hot catcher's mitt-type face and blatent honesty.

Now George must make his move in order to impress the femaloid:

This time, George has gone too far, and the woman has picked up the stench of desperation coming off his post.

Fortunately, another female has introduced herself:

Although Michelle had shown an original interest in George, she quickly proved to only be a huge flirt that wasted all of my goddam time and money you fucking bitch whore Michelle I'll hunt you down and rip off your ears and fuck you in that bloody mess with my two inch cock until semen oozes from your eyesockets. Slut.

I, of course, am only imagining this is what George thinks. No angry emails.

For tonight, George will go back to his minimum wage job stocking shelves at Pete's Farmacy ("We fill out your prescription, you fill up your shopping cart!").

George will retreat behind his anonymous IP proxy, recharge his batteries, and come out with a new game plan in the morning. Check back for Part 2, as George delves into the art of running a badass facebook group.

-JS

Youtube Baggage 2

2009-06-14T01:49:00.004-04:00

On a side note, I just ate a beaner enchalada with fags...dee-licious!

Can you believe that "thing" he's talking about is his penis?

...and an ooga booga to you too.

Oh shit!

OOOOH SHIT!

-JS

Doodle Dursday #26 - Renewable Energy

2009-06-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

I always thought we would solve the energy crises by trapping cow farts and using them as rocket fuel.

But I recently found out that researchers are trying to find a way to capture cosmic waves from the moon and turn them into electricity.

If moon energy is half as delicious as moon pies, I can't see how this could possibly fail.

In any case, somebody better find a renewable energy source soon, because my RobotCanoe has been in storage ever since gas prices went back up.

-JS

Youtube Baggage 1

2009-06-07T01:21:00.006-04:00

This sounds like a case for...THE DOG WHISPERER.
______________________________________________________

Secret's out.
______________________________________________________

Damn foreign exchange youtubers.

______________________________________________________

The bible doesn't mention anything about proper grammar? Phew.
______________________________________________________

Between sucking your thumb and crapping your pants,
I guess there wasn't much time to mend those emotional wounds back then.
______________________________________________________

Who gives a shit? Clearly not you, francoyac1.

Doodle Dursday #25 - Undead Pizza

2009-06-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

Thursdays are always pizza nights at my house.

My favourite pizza company to order from is Undead Pizza, because they always have quick delivery.

The living undead could care less for red lights and stop signs.

What do they have to lose?

I usually order three cheese and avocado pizzas.

The delivery guy charges $21.50, but I usually give him a tip since he's trying to save up for a face lift.

Undead Pizza delivery guys care about their looks.

I always take the pizza to the dining room. My girlfriend and I enjoy eating there.

What's the moral of the story?

Well, I like cheese and avocado pizza:

Mmmmm-mmm.

But my girlfriend loves it:

Also enjoys wearing sweatpants.

-JS

Outhouse Hero: May '09

2009-05-31T02:30:00.001-04:00

Drum roll please *drum roll*...and the award for Outhouse Hero of May 2009 goes to...PEARL 'EFFING' GROSS:

Congratulations Pearl. Your comedic styling have brought joy to many, and acute appendicitis to others.
_________

Here's a very funny re-edit done by woboin:

Here's a less funny prank call done by me:

Kinda glad the guy hung up, I ran out of drops!

_________

We hope you keep us laughing from the grave, Pearl!

-JS

Doodle Dursday #24 - Death by Cookie

2009-05-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

Something cool happened yesterday...

I found a cookie on the ground.

It looked like it had fallen off a truck.

It also looked kinda dirty, so I decided to put it in a package, and give it to a friend.

My friend ate the cookie and got really sick. They took my friend to the hospital, but it was too late. My friend was dead.

It's okay though because it wasn't one of my best friends.

-JS

Doodle Dursday #23 - Tea Time

2009-05-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

A cup of tea a day...

...doesn't keep the dementia away.

-JS

Review: Moonrappin'

2009-05-18T17:46:00.004-04:00

Moonrappin' is a radio show currently airing on CHUO 89.1 FM and www.chuo.fm

It's kinda shitty that my own radio project is called Moon Down Radio but hey, whatareyougonnado?

A little background info according to wikipedia as of May 11th, 2009:

"Alumni to CHUO, Sean Cooley has come back after a near 10 year hiatus. Sean's background with CHUO was as the co-host (and call-screener) for Tom Green's Midnight Caller and also as the host of his own show The Breaks. A call-in talk radio show which is now back and ready to make you laugh on Sunday nights at 1 am to 3 am. Now called Moonrappin' "

"Moonrappin'
Monday, 01 h 00-02 h 59
An eclectic mix of funky Moonrappin’ music, taking your calls on hilarious and oddball topics.
Character skits, live remotes from here and there and insane cuts to “Lunna Rappina” our sister show from somewhere in the world. Moonrappin’ brings you Awards shows, dance competition judging, call in contests, Cooking live at CHUO with the studio audience and of course many comedic spoofs on many situations.
Cooley and Creed's Moonrappin’ focuses on the humorous side of life, as if there can really be a serious one! Listen in – we will make you want to participate."

I think the show has been on CHUO for 3-4 weeks now, since it was first mentioned here on April 26th, 2009.

I called in to the show last night, and you can stream the delightful conversation here: Phone Call (8:29)

Sean Cooley being fed crackers.
And for the sake of putting a face to a voice...
Let's say Creed is the coloured guy feeding him crackers.

If you want to hear the whole thing: 05-18-2009 - Moonrappin' (43 mb - 47:19)

It appears that Creed and Co. host a show by the same name (Moonrappin') over on CHCR FM.

It's on the air live Tuesday nights from 8pm - 11pm.
Reruns: Tuesdays at 11pm, Thursdays at 11pm, and Saturdays at 11pm.

My score: 7 out of Bleen. Not bad, not bad at all.

-JS

EDIT- Follow Moonrappin' on Twitter

Review: Omegle

2009-05-15T00:58:00.007-04:00

The blog Temporarily Titleless brought to my attention the website Omegle: "When you use Omegle, we pick another user at random and let you have a one-on-one chat with each other. Chats are completely anonymous, although there is nothing to stop you from revealing personal details if you would like."

Here was my test-run:

My social skills did not transfer over to this digital medium.

However, this is a great tool now that Craiglist has removed its erotic services.
Omegle says: Rapists and Murderers, apply within.

1/5

What. What son.

-JS