Friday, May 16, 2014

Not Being Cool

I haven't had much energy lately to devote to writing or really anything creative lately.

The weeks and months keep melting by, and without any real moments or memories to denote the passage of time, I occasionally find myself doing double-takes in front of my calendar when I realize it's been x number of months since y occured. I'm 25 and a half, and things do look bleaker, by the by.

I've never been cool, and even that, has never made me cool for even one second.

I have a hard time nailing down exactly what it means to be cool, but if you wanted to understand the anti-thesis of cool, ie uncool, you could look it up in a dictionary, and you would not see a picture of me, because that would be remotely cool - and cool I am not.

I know a lot of cool people, I've been with a lot of cool people, and not even one ounce of cool rubbed off on me, not even by accident, or even for a second.

I see a lot of cool people, and try to mimic them at times, but I feel painfully uncool doing so, and thereby revert to my old uncool habits.

Eventually, all this negative self-talk leads me to realize that I actually am cool. And that for the most part, I like me, and mostly like the things I stand for, and that I think that's pretty cool, if only slightly under-appreciated.

So the problem isn't so much that I'm not cool (I just built two bat houses - I'm plenty cool!) it's just that everyone seems so much cooler.

Ultimately this isn't a post about being cool/uncool. It's about depression. These feelings aren't everything that depression is, or does, but it's part of it. The skewed perspective, the hopeless sense of alienation, the desperate desire to connect to society and others, and the perpetual loneliness of not being able to.

Throughout my life, I've met one or two people who had the type of depression that I could recognize as my own. One was an Irishman from the east coast, in his mid-40s, but otherwise, just like me. You might think that finding someone akin to you would make you feel less alone, but that's the debilitating thing about depression. You never feel not alone. Not even amongst your own. It seems to defy logic, but it's the experience I've had. No matter where or who I've been with, I've always felt disconnected and alone. It's a terrible, terrible feeling to carry forth in life. But it's one that I live with daily.

At this point I've sorta lost track of all the different meds I've tried over the last couple years. I've stayed at in-patient mood disorder facilities for weeks on end. I've tried experimental procedures through mental health clinics. It'd be an understatement to say that I do not feel well. At the same time, it's barely worth mentioning that it's nothing new.

I hate to cause alarm in the people around me about the state of my health. It's something I have not discussed with anyone, outside of my psychiatrist, in several months. Even among my friends who suffer from a similar condition, I try to veer the conversation away from this affliction.

But tonight I felt I needed to get it out somehow, even if it was just into the void that is the internet:

I do not like to live like this, and do not wish to continue doing so. With that being said, I don't seem to really have any choice in the matter. I will continue living like this until things get better or until things worse.