Wednesday, August 24, 2011

the human condition

The line separating right and wrong is a fine one.
To be innocent, open, and infinitely human was wrong.

The difference between a man's desire, and his underlying capability, is a large one.
To be myself, was to be wrong, and so I bore it.


I was told I was wrong, because I wouldn't chase after what was right...

...and so someday I will be wrong again.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Whatever. Wherever.

Whenever.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

tonight

It rained. I laughed...
You smirked,
Resenting the impermanent man,

...incapable of promising forever, promised honestly, nothing at all.
only tonight?
the flawed child,

Guilty of transience. Ephemera personified.
Fuck.
the boy who lived in the clouds.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Siftin' through the wreckage of a past life...

I sometimes feel the need to go back and fix what I have broken was broken.

Even if I did manage to fix it, it would eventually become unglued.

I was never that good at fixing things.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Dating: How?

So you've decided you want to get in a relationship. But...how?

First off...dating is out! Nobody dates anymore. People don't do dating.

Asking someone out on a "date" is extremely formal, inorganic, and forces you to lie ("I know a really great place" but really, you don't know shit. You don't even know where you left your keys).

Here's a quality tip for the lads: You should, never, ever, ever, EVER ask a girl out on a date.

No matter what you do or say, you'll always seem like a creep, even though you're totally not. I mean, you're a decent guy (or a rapist, whatever).

Speaking of which...

It's time for another round of 'Decent Guy...or Rapist?'
You have 20 seconds...GO!!!
If you said...rapist, you are 100% correct...but you win nothing. 
This is Academy-Award Winning Rapist Joseph Brooks
[Editor's Note: He looks pretty normal to me.]

Dating in the 21st Century:

What I have learned (not so much from experience, but moreso from my sister who skanks around with everyone and then tells me about it) is that girls would rather hang out in an informal setting, preferably with a group of friends. If you can't get a group of friends together, get a group of enemies. Just so long as everyone knows one another.

In essence, this is dating in the 21st century.

This is dating a guy from Century 21.
The First 'Real' Date

There might come a point when you actually do find yourself on a one-on-one date with that special someone.

Resist asking the following:
  • "Who's paying?"
  • "Where's the beef?"
  • "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
  • "How much cock could a cock-hungry whore suck, if a cock-hungry whore could suck cock?"
Also, resist doing the following:
  • Talking.
You will only fuck up your chances. We both know you're no Shakespeare...and quite frankly Shakespeare was kind of a freak. So keep yer trap shut.

So now we know what NOT to ask, and what NOT to do...so what DO you do on a date?

On a typical first 'real' date, you'll meet someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex, it doesn't really matter), and then you'll go some place...like dinner, a movie, outer-space...and you're gonna sit there. Sit there and listen.

Be forewarned: Most people don't have much to say, but they talk lots anyway.

And that's pretty much it. Just nod and pretend that the other person is fascinating, even though they are so fucking boring you've started to consider stabbing your penis with a fork (or if you're a lady, your vagina with a steak knife - I like mine medium-rare).

If your penis/vagina/pegina is still intact after the mind-numbing conversation, remember to go the extra mile. Do something special to give that person the false impression that they are more important than they actually are.

We're talking presents, yo.

You get extra points if it's exotic...like a diamond...
Ladies love diamonds.
 Or a chainsaw...
Dudes love chainsaws.

Or a sherpa...
Trannies love sherpas.
  Later on...

After lots and lots of talking, and stuff, the two of you will start hanging out more, and even possibly hold hands or something fruity like that. Then after that, there's like heavy petting, making out, hand jobs, blow jobs, and a bunch of other nonsense, which, from what I remember, is a lot of fun.

Filthy, salacious hand holdin'
With that being said, an important thing to remember is to ask the other person, "Are we going steady?" which is to guarantee exclusivity in the relationship.

See, it's not enough to just have good times, moments, or memories with another person. You need to make sure that you're the only person they can have a good time with in the future as well. It's just common sense, folks.

I usually make the girls I date sign a blood oath stating that they won't dare look at other men above the kneecaps.

Later later on...

The really cool thing about relationships is that eventually people get too lazy to start new ones. Most people end up staying in relationships far longer than they'd want to because it's a matter of convenience...or inconvenience, rather.

I mean, let's be real...who wants to go through that whole process I just detailed above, again? It's exhausting. Why bother?

That's why it's better to stay in your current relationship.

I say if you are considering breaking up with your current boy/girl/thing-friend, you should always think back to this old adage: Complacency guarantees lifelong happiness.
___________________

Next time...Commitment and Marriage!

-J