Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dating: Why?

A Cynic's Guide to Dating  A Nihilist's Guide to Dating  An Ataraxiast's Guide to Dating

Julien's Guide to Dating: The Whys

I think I want to fall in love again...

…but I don't really know what that means.

I honestly can't even really remember what falling in love is like... 

Part of the problem is that I'm a guy and thereby cursed with the sin of lust.

Sin starts right where the red arrow indicates, at the tip, actually. 

In some cultures, a penis that curves towards the left is considered especially sinister. LOL. Get it? Sinister, left, sin...get it, bah, whatever.
Here’s one such example of sin getting the better of me: If I'm buying groceries, I'll start wondering about the lady at the register... "Could she be single? What's her life like?” and then I'll think, "Yeah, it'd be kinda cool to get to know her as a person, and maybe even have a positive impact on her life...and then what I'll do…is FUCK her...FUCK. HER. HARD."

I'll be honest...if the line's moving fast, I'll skip right to thinking of the fucking part...

So sadly, up until recently, other than dirty filthy coitus, I couldn't really think of any other reasons to get in a relationship. Why should I get in a relationship? Why should anyone get in a relationship? If you're not gonna have kids, what's the point? Just empty sex? 
[Editor's Note: Just empty sex? That would be a great relationship.]

Fortunately, I racked my brain for twenty minutes and here's what I came up with!

Why Get In A Relationship?
  • The Bill Withers Theory
You should get in a relationship… so you’ll have someone to talk to...somebody to lean on…

…but, to be truthful, I've nary met a person who didn't have friends or family to talk to.

I wouldn't lean on this dude, even if he was the last dude to lean on, on earth!
  • The Show-Off Theory
 You should get in a relationship… to show-off and show-up your friends, enemies, coworkers, etc.

There’s nothing better than making other people jealous. Feel free to go places with your significant other and say to everyone, "Hey! Look at this dude (or hot piece of ass) I reeled in. We’re tight...that's why we're holding hands…in PUBLIC!!! BITCH!!!"

  • The 21st Night of September Theory
You should get in a relationship… because you love the other person (whatever that means).

Interestingly, scientists have discovered that it is possible to love another person without being in a relationship with them. But if you’re the possessive type, feel free to claim exclusive ownership of your man/woman/thing.

  • The S/he’s Perfect Theory
You should get in a relationship… because this person is perfect, and you want to be with them forever...

…but do you really want to be around somebody forever? 24/7? That sounds exhausting...I mean, even perfect people have to poop.

…but of course, this is different…your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever actually is perfect.

All I can say then, is...good for you! You’re pretty lucky to have found someone perfect...considering the list of men and women throughout history that have actually been perfect is pretty short.

Come to think of it, I can only think of one man that was perfect. His name was Jesus.

  And he was celibate.

PS - Let's all lay off the bullshit-romantic clichés. All those old sayings are so tired…

"Oh, such-and-such completes me!" Completes what? Another person makes you whole? So before this relationship you were just part of a person, but now, thanks to this separate human being, you’re a complete person? What the fuck does that even mean?

PPS - Speaking of clichés, don’t people say, “If you love something, you should let it go”? Seems like getting in a relationship would be the exact opposite of that. Oh well, whatever.

PPPS - I know Jesus wasn't actually perfect...but he did have great hair.

1 comment:

Digory McGinn said...

This is the best thing I have read. Period.