Friday, July 3, 2009

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 5

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 5 - I've got an app for ya...in my pants.

If you use facebook at all, you have to spend at least 2-3 minutes a day clearing out your inbox of messages from people who want you to try every new application from SuperPoke to ExtraPoke to PokeThis.

Our very own in-house facebook predator George Hagel has a unique way of dealing with such spam. He engages them using his strongest muscle...his loins:


You better damn well believe George will "cum" join your kingdom. Knowwhaimsaying?

Of course, as always, persistence is the key:

OH NO! She's onto George's trail.

Or is she really?

George is a master of many disguises, and a quick thinker to boot:

And thus ends our 5 part mini-series with George. We hope you've learned a thing or two about hunting tail on the net, and we'll see you out there on the prowl.

-JS

Monday, June 29, 2009

Moonrappin' Tonight 1-3 AM

Hey, I'm gonna be guest-hosting on Moonrappin' from 1-3AM tonight with Sean Cooley.

The topic is superheroes, so if you have anything at all to say, please don't hesitate to call us at 613-562-5967

Listen to the stream here in real and mp3 format: www.chuo.fm

-JS

Friday, June 26, 2009

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 4

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 4 - Inbox Intimacy

If you're having a tough time grabbing the attention of ladies, George suggests taking a stab in the dark.

Why not randomly PM complete strangers until you get one hooked, lined and sinkered?

Attaboy George!

George was able to add Charlene as a friend, and now the real seducing begins:


George learned from the master:



Next time we'll take a look at how George turns those annoying people who send app-invites into his own personal sex slaves.

-JS

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 3

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 3 - Messageboard Mania

George will be the first one to tell you that message boards are a great place to cruise for hot delectable women.

Feel free to start up your own thread:

FIRST!

Or join in on someone else's discussion. Here we find George in a thread titled "Facebook chatters I miss that haven't posted in a long time":

Having a catchphrase, much like a superhero, is a surefire way to get chicks.
As noted above, George's calling card is:

George Hagel: Master of the Female Species
Because I Smear them with Feces

Ladies can hardly resist.

And finally...always, ALWAYS mark your territory:

Join us again for Part 4 as George swoops in for the kill through lyrical prose, as he seduces Charlene via Facebook.

-JS

Monday, June 22, 2009

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 2

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 2 - Groups 4 Groupies

George, you handsome old dog. How the hell are ya?
Single? We'll be sure to change that in no time.
  • Every internet predator should update their facebook status to show off their emotional side:
Profile Editor: Remember to stay hip by using the latest catchphrases:
  • Wazzup?
  • Cowabunga!
  • Where's the beef?
  • I have a small penis.
The next thing any internet predator will want to do is join a facebook group.

George has found just the place that's geared towards old-timers like himself:
"No way!You're not in your 30's/40's or 50's" Club for Sharing Information."

A quick glance at the Wall shows oldies are desperate for any action they can get:

Funkytown? More like fun-kytown. Knowwhaimsayin?

The group was looking for an admin, so George jumped at the opportunity. Other groups currently looking for admins are:
  • The Crotch Fungus Association of America (CFAA)
  • "My fingers are too fat to type legiblakjlref an ksdasdn nasdj"
  • Webbed Toes on Nasty Hoes
  • "I created this group based on a lame premise."
Being an admin allows you to gain unprecedented power to lure lovely luscious ladies. George realizes the best way to get some action is by hosting a bitchin' ass party:

AWWwwwWWW YEA

We about to get this shit started:

Although I personally was never able to make it out to the party, I did hear through the grapevine a kind of rustling noise but then I realized it was probably the wind or something.

Check back with us again for Part 3 as we continue to follow George's adventures through Facebook...up next...the All-Too-Forgettable Facebook Message Boards.

-JS

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Furious George: Facebook Predator Pt. 1

This is my friend George.

He's new to the internet. He's decided to sign up for Facebook, because all his friends are either dead or in jail.

It is always customary for a new user such as George to state his or her intent or goals.

George decides the best place for this is the "Looking For Missing Persons" group:

Now that George has laid out the proverbial bait, he must sit back and wait for a woman to initiate a courtship:

A starving cougar has come out of the thick jungle we call the web. Obviously she was unable to resist George's hot catcher's mitt-type face and blatent honesty.

Now George must make his move in order to impress the femaloid:

This time, George has gone too far, and the woman has picked up the stench of desperation coming off his post.

Fortunately, another female has introduced herself:

Although Michelle had shown an original interest in George, she quickly proved to only be a huge flirt that wasted all of my goddam time and money you fucking bitch whore Michelle I'll hunt you down and rip off your ears and fuck you in that bloody mess with my two inch cock until semen oozes from your eyesockets. Slut.

I, of course, am only imagining this is what George thinks. No angry emails.

For tonight, George will go back to his minimum wage job stocking shelves at Pete's Farmacy ("We fill out your prescription, you fill up your shopping cart!").

George will retreat behind his anonymous IP proxy, recharge his batteries, and come out with a new game plan in the morning. Check back for Part 2, as George delves into the art of running a badass facebook group.

-JS

Friday, May 15, 2009

Review: Omegle

The blog Temporarily Titleless brought to my attention the website Omegle: "When you use Omegle, we pick another user at random and let you have a one-on-one chat with each other. Chats are completely anonymous, although there is nothing to stop you from revealing personal details if you would like."

Here was my test-run:


My social skills did not transfer over to this digital medium.

However, this is a great tool now that Craiglist has removed its erotic services.
Omegle says: Rapists and Murderers, apply within.

1/5

What. What son.

-JS

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Midnight Caller Show

Once every blue moon I get to go on the air at a local community-based radio station in Ottawa. It's been a goal of mine to get a regular radio gig for the last few years now.

I've always loved listening to radio since I was kid. I could never fall asleep at my bed time, so I'd pull out my walkman and channel surf for a couple hours. Sometimes I'd listen to stand-up comedy, other times it was old-time radio on AM stations (Suspense, etc.).

These are my favourite, all-time radio shows. I highly recommend checking them all out:
  1. Loveline (Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew years)
  2. The Howard Stern Show (-minus all the stupid stripper bullshit and sybian crap)
  3. The Midnight Caller
  4. Coast-to-Coast AM (before it got overly political)
Out of all these shows...the hardest to track down is Tom Green's Midnight Caller. Here's a little history:

"In 1990, Tom Green hosted The Rap Show on Ottawa's CHUO radio station, along with the other members of Organized Rhyme. The two other members eventually left the program, and that's when Tom's program moved to Friday night from 2 to 6 AM. He renamed the show "Nightfall" and hosted it along with Shawn Greenson and Glenn Humplik. In 1993, Tom launched The Midnight Caller Show on Friday night's from Midnight to 2AM. People would call in to discuss different subjects Tom had chosen, or simply to talk about something else (that resulted in a lot of people being hung-up on, and a lot of absolute nonsense).

Frequent guests on the show were Phil Giroux, Derek Harvie, and Sean Cooley."

As I said earlier, it's next to impossible to track down episodes of this show. I've compiled all the episodes I have here, in hopes that perhaps other people could contribute. If you have any old tapes or mp3s of this show PLEASE contact me at moondownradio(at)gmail.com

05-27-1994 - Midnight Caller (46:18): Sunburn/suntan stories, animal calls from Algonquin park, my legs are made of garbage cans.

06-17-1994 - Midnight Caller (1:30:24): OJ Simpson trial, hot muggy weather, Dunkin' Donuts, microwave sound effects, Phil Giroux guests.

XX-XX-1995 - Midnight Caller (1:39:20): Summer the call-screener, hole in condoms, Sean Cooley guests.

05-XX-1995 - Midnight Caller (1:58:13):
Anesthesia and surgery, Nightfall revisited, Shawn Greenson guests.

XX-XX-1996 - Midnight Caller (1:41:48): Random topics, Derek Harvie guests.

Special thanks goes to java joel and Tom Green for these. I've done my best to remaster the audio since the originals were pretty rough.

Here's some of Tom's freestyling on the Midnight Caller (taken directly from mp3s above):


Oh, and finally, here's a small segment CBC Radio ran during his run at Rogers:



-JS


EDIT: Some people prefer using rapidshare, so all 5 episodes have been put together in one .rar file: http://rapidshare.com/files/233354557/Midnight_Caller__Radio.rar.html

EDIT: It's early Monday morning, 1:00AM, been bored out of my mind in Ottawa for the last while, decided to start channel surfing on the AM/FM dial...whaddayouknow? Sean Cooley is back on the airwaves!!!

"Sean Cooley has come back after a near 10 year hiatus. Sean's background with CHUO was as the co-host (call screener) for Tom Green's "Midnight Caller" and also as the host of his own show "The Breaks". A call-in talk radio show which is now back and ready to make you laugh on Sunday nights at 1am. Now called MOONRAPPIN! CHUO has spawned a few other notables, but their true affection is for their current volunteers, many of whom have been at the station for more than a decade."

Tune in every Monday morning, 1 AM to 3? Probably? Here: CHUO 89.1 FM Streams

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Review: The Flu

I recently had the flu for about a week or so.

The flu is rough on the body. First, I had an upset stomach, then I had diarrhea, then I was vomiting. I also had terrible migraine headaches.

After all that was done, I got a runny nose and was getting a lot of saliva in my mouth.

Eco-friendly Tip: A spit bucket is a great way to collect the saliva, and save tissue paper.

After a few more days, I started coughing up huge amounts of phlegm and really thick snot. These huge globs were collecting in the back of my throat, and were practically glued there.

Penny for scale. Doesn't seem big, but it was probably a half-inch deep.

Not as big, but still fun to play with (+ power ranger pog ftw).

It feels weird to cough up mucus. Mucus is supposed to come out of the nose. Plus, you ever get that feeling you just coughed up part of your lung? It's painful!

In any case, I'd rate the flu 2.5 out of 5.

It's not pleasant.

Get it?

It's not pleasant. It SNOT pleasant! Bwahahahaa. Hee Hee.

-JS

Friday, April 24, 2009

Review: Bad Ass Shoes

I've spent the last couple weeks looking for work, filling out job applications, and attending interviews.

When I go to an interview, I have to dress for success.
That's why I went out and bought some black shoes. Classy.
These aren't just everyday normal guy shoes though...
These shoes are strictly for bad asses.

Check it out:
Skulls = XhardcoreX, no shit.

These shoes even come with fuckin' bad ass insoles, that tell your feet how to act:

2 Strong 2 Fall...what son?! WHAT?!!!?!

For the left foot:
and he will
be a wildman
his hand will be against
every man and
every mans hand
against him

For the right foot:
for as by one man's
disobedience many
were made sinners.
so by the obedience
of one shall many
be made righteous
The dogtags:

If this doesn't describe you, then these shoes aren't for you, loser.
Spellcheck and proper grammar are also for losers.


Because you know, like driving a nice car in your own neighboorhood around the police is pretty fucking bad ass. Wait, what?

And you may of been dating more than woman at one time...which means you're either a bad ass or a lesbian. Sweet.

Seriously though, could this shoe brand be any gayer?

Well...that answered my question.

So...if you're a bad ass muthafucka, check out THE BLACK SHEEP BRAND...bitch.

-JS

[EDIT] - I just checked out their website for a second...they have a series called "Uglies"...*sigh*.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Technology Friends

This is a screenshot of a MSN convo I was having with a friend...English is their first-language...but they prefer to speak THE TRUTH:

"well seriuosly dude tehcnology make
connect us, but it also makes us more
vulnerable"
March 22, 2009


-JS

Monday, April 20, 2009

Tall Pants

I'm a tall guy.

In Canada, most people are not tall.

The average Eskimo clocks in at about 4 foot 3 inches.

I'm 6'5" and listed as the tallest person in Ontario.

Outside of the Toronto Raptors roster, I tower over the province.

It's great.

The only problem is finding pants with long legs.

Most of the time I un-stitch the bottom of the pants to increase the lenght.

This time, I found white powder markings on the inside. What could it be?

Cocaine?

Secret chalk messages?

Or anti-climactic blog post?

-JS

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Review: Gasping for Airtime - Jay Mohr

I just finished reading this book by sorta-funny-maybe comedian Jay Mohr, titled 'Gasping for Airtime: Two Years in the Trenches of Saturday Night Live'.
Penises: Juvenile or Sophomoric? Discuss.
I know what you're thinking...who cares, right?

Well, if there's only one good thing about this book, it's the fact that Norm Macdonald is mentioned in several stories...I've decided to save you the time of reading the whole book by copying/pasting the best parts featuring Norm.

Mohr on Norm:
Norm was a guy who wouldn't be able to talk his way out of a mental hospital. If most people were com­mitted, they would eventually convince the doctor that a terrible mistake had been made. Not Norm. He would be there the rest of his life, saying things like "I notice I'm wearing a gown" and "So you really want me to pee in that bedpan."

Mohr on Norm's Food Poisoning:Slowly and deliberately, Norm lumbered onto the bus. He looked like a cross between death warmed over and a drug addict who had just woken up. Norm stood at the front of the bus for a while and looked out over all of us. He cleared his throat and announced that he had been sick with food poisoning the night before. He provided the name of the restaurant and positively identified the culprit as an avocado. Then he treated us to a blow-by-blow of the havoc that faulty avocado wrecked on his system.
The first sign of trouble, he explained, came when he was crossing the street after leaving the restaurant and started shitting in his pants. He leaned up against a lamppost and puked and shit in the street until he mus­tered enough strength to hail a cab. He explained that no cabs would pick him up because they thought he was a crackhead puking and shitting in the street.

After Norm had drained his system, a cab stopped and he told the driver to take him to a hospital. When the cabdriver asked him which hospital, he said he didn't know. Unfortunately, Norm had just moved to New York and didn't know the names of any hospitals, so he told the cabbie to take him to the best possible hospital. Apparently, the cabdriver decided to put his kids through college on Norm's dime and drove him all the way up to Harlem. Norm spent the entire ride telling the cabbie that he wasn't a strung-out druggie, he had just eaten a rotten avocado.
When Norm walked into the emergency room, he was ghostly white and shaking, causing the doctors to immediately put him on a gurney. As they wheeled him down the hall, the doctor kept asking Norm what he was on. Norm said that he kept explaining to everybody that he had food poisoning from an avocado. They pumped his stomach, hydrated him with an IV, and then sent him home. You could certainly say that Norm was a trouper. He had been up all night vomiting in a hospital in Harlem. and he was still on the bus at one o'clock. I was late, but I didn't almost die from eating an avocado.
Mohr on 'Norm vs. Writer':The one fight I remember was one between Norm Macdonald and Ian Maxtone-Graham. Ian was a writer who had graduated from Brown University. He didn't drink or smoke, and he came off as a bit of a square. Ian's pet peeve was smoking. He was extremely vocal about his displeasure with people who smoked in the building. [ao27 note: Ian went on to write for The Simpsons (a show he claimed he NEVER watched prior to being hired). He is partly responsible for the demise of this franchise show, by writing the episode where Maude is killed off...thanks for that one, Ian, you jackass. His earlier work (Homer in New York, and Lisa Gets An A) sorta makes up for this major fuck-up. Sorta.]
The entire building was a nonsmoking building, but that was pretty much ignored on the seventeenth floor. A lot of SNL people smoked, and they weren't about to wait for a night elevator to go downstairs and outside to have a butt. Oddly, there were no ashtrays on the seventeenth floor. Because of all the smokers in the history of the show, you would think that someone would've thought to bring up an ashtray.

Since most of the trash cans were filled with paper, tossing your butt in the garbage was not an option. Dave Attell and Norm both weren't bothered by the lack of places to put a cigarette. Whenever either would put a cigarette down, they would stand it up on the filter end and leave it on the desk or table. If they didn't touch it again, the cigarette would burn down to the filter and go out by itself.
One Thursday evening during rewrites, Norm was sitting on the couch by the door inside the writers' room. He was smoking and ashing into a soda can. Ian Maxtone-Graham walked into the room holding a cup of water. He stopped, looked down at Norm, and poured the entire cup of water over Norm's head. Shocked, Norm sat there soaking wet.
The room grew quiet and then Norm stood up and punched Ian in the face. He really blasted him. All six feet eight inches of Ian went down, and the writers quickly jumped up and separated the two. Ian went home right after the fight and didn't come back to work for about a week. I don't know if it was pride or principle, but my man was AWOL. I found out a few days later that Ian was planning to sue NBC for not enforcing the nonsmoking policy. He was also going to take Norm to court for assault and battery.
A few days passed and word filtered in from the out­side that Ian was doing well, wasn't going to sue anybody, and would soon be returning to work.
Mohr on Norm's Fake Pitches:
Nealon's fake pitches were done pro forma, whereas Norm Macdonald's were done to throw everyone off his trail.

Norm would pitch about five fake ideas in great detail, and then at read-through he would have one win¬ner that you never saw coming. When Bob Newhart hosted the show, Norm took about ten minutes to pitch "Literally vs. Figuratively." "I've noticed that people mis¬use the phrase literally when they actually mean figuratively," he began. "A guy will come out of a movie theater and someone will ask him, 'How was the movie?' and he'll respond, 'I literally laughed my head off!'"

Newhart stared at Norm thinking he was finished. We all chuckled, knowing that Norm had no intention of writing his "Figuratively vs. Literally" sketch. But the giggles didn't sate Norm. He wanted to win Newhart over. What happened next was incredible.

Norm kept adding example after example of what he meant trying to force Bob Newhart to crack a smile. Newhart was an idol to all of us in the room, especially to the comics. Norm fought like hell. He wasn't going to be able to sleep that night if Bob Newhart didn't laugh at his fake pitch. He plodded onward: "Sometimes, someone will say I literally cried my eyes out. . . but their eyes are still in their head, you know. Or someone will get some bad news and say, 'I literally died!' But there they are talking to you because they didn't die at all. They meant figuratively, not literally, you see." Newhart began to smile, and Norm tasted blood. Norm kept going and going until I was convinced that if this started as a fake pitch, it was now personal. Norm was going to write it, if only to prove to Newhart how funny it was. And it was funny. The longer he went on and on, the funnier it became. Soon we were all in hysterics. Norm felt satisfied with himself.

That week at read-through, Norm had one sketch on the table that made it onto the show. It was Norm as Charles Kuralt. I was literally blown away.
______________________

Norm will be coming to Toronto (April 17 + 18, Yuk Yuk's Downtown, 416-967-6425) and Ottawa (April 16, Centrepoint Theatre). Tickets are still available, I believe.

Algonquin Radio (CKDJ) is giving out free tickets (the Theatre is a block west from campus). Remember to tune in, since the station goes off-air for the summer, starting on April 20th.

Check out Norm on Myspace and Facbeook, and his Facebook Fan Page.

Someone let me know how the shows go. I won't be going since I've got exams all 3 nights...one of the few chances to see an actually funny stand-up gig in Ottawa, ruined...DAMN YOU CARLETON EXAM PROCTORS!
______________________

Anyway, back to the book, it was okay. Borrow it from your local paper-house. Or buy it on Amazon.

-JS

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Tom Green's (Old) House

I've been living here in Ottawa for about a year and half, and I finally got around to checking out Tom Green's infamous plaid house (everyone should start spelling it 'plad' to avoid mispronunciation...all words should be written phonetically):



Of course, it's not plaid (there's that word again) these days, and neither he, nor his parents, live there anymore. The only difference seems to be that many of the trees were uprooted:


Back in early September 2007, one of the first places I visited on my bike was the location of the legendary Casa Acores Variety @ 131 Beechwood Avenue:



It's been about 10 years since that segment was shot, and since then, the entire building has been demolished, and replaced with a coffee house and an interior design store:


Another place which recently got a face-lift is Preston Hardware
which is briefly seen in this segment called 'Filthy Pictures' @ around 47 seconds into this clip:



I've been by it about a million times since the #3 bus used to go up Preston Street, back when Ottawa still had public transit, but never bothered to take a picture...here's the best the internet could offer:


Edit: This just in. Porn king Glenn Humplik just uploaded a picture of Wilde's on his pop-culture site Zoice.com. This is the store in which he had his famous shower pictures sold:


I wonder what my crappy apartment will look like in 10 years (assuming I can afford a better place someday). Only time will tell...

-JS